WORDS TO LIVE BY

I’m starting yet another new chapter this year. I’m beginning to feel like I’m the queen of re-inventing myself. Queen is probably an overstatement, let’s just say princess. At any rate, I’ve decided to retire from teaching. My motive for teaching was two-fold: I wanted to give back to the Social Work profession, and I wanted to do my part to make sure the next generation of social workers would be equipped with excellent skills. I was fortunate to have outstanding professors in grad school and I hope my students will look back fondly on our time together. Rest assured, I haven’t given up on the Semester at Sea opportunity, but that’s not an option until 2024. Who knows what I’ll be up to by then?!

This year, I’m focusing on Me First. No more putting myself on the back burner. I have a tendency to find way too many reasons to put everyone and everything else first and that needs to stop. By the end of the day, I’m too tired mentally and physically to do what’s best for me. I am struggling with feelings of selfishness but that needs to stop too. (Perhaps a blog for another day.) As my friend, Robin, reminds me, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Therefore, I am giving myself permission to fill my cup first before pouring into others. I’m confident there’s plenty to go around.

Here’s my plan:

Spend time in prayer/meditation each morning before I look at my phone or computer.
Exercise in the morning when I feel most energetic and before life gets in the way.
Journal in the evening when day is done to acknowledge gratitude.

That’s it. No grandiose resolutions, aspirations, or goals that often result in disappointment. I’ll keep you posted.

I’ve chosen my word for 2023: Acceptance.

Acceptance will be a challenge for me. There are so many things I wish would change; there are many things I want to change; and there are a few things that may never change. Despite my best efforts, I’ve come to realize acceptance is often the limit of my ability to affect change.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” only takes you so far when it comes to people or situations where injustice prevails. Discrimination, healthcare, poverty, addiction – the list seems endless. Acceptance doesn’t mean one is blind to the dysfunction, it just respects and honors that, other than acceptance, there is little-to-nothing that can be done to influence a system, person, or circumstances that cannot or will not change. Recognition of that fact has been a hard-fought battle for me.

Acceptance is not complacency. Where there is an opportunity to make a difference, I want to do so. When I can help or encourage, I will. And, as a friend reminded me this week, rather than, “When all else fails, pray,” I will pray first, then accept.

Acceptance feels calming. Acceptance feels liberating. Acceptance feels healthy. After all, I am a firm believer that no one knows what’s best for another human being, even if it seems painfully obvious to a gazillion other people. To take away someone’s autonomy is to take away their personhood.

Sometimes life can feel like watching a train wreck about to happen. Although the passengers may have been forewarned about the danger, it’s still their decision to disembark or keep on rolling. Acceptance acknowledges that, unless you are driving the train, what unfolds is almost always out of your control.

I plan to spend the next 365 days reciting the Serenity Prayer on the daily. I hope to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. It may be a very long year.

What’s your word?

Each New Year, I choose a word or phrase to live by for the next 365 days. When I sat down to write this blog, try as I might, I could not recall my word for 2022. I wondered and pondered and strained my brain, all to no avail. Finally, I gave up and looked back on the Jan. 1 blog, only to find my word was curious. Oh, the irony!

So now that I remember my word, I am spending time remembering what I was curious about in 2022:

I was curious and disappointed to learn we had to turn the clocks back in November. I thought for sure there had been a vote and that dreadful practice had been abolished – wrong again.

I was curious why commercials for gambling are allowed on radio and television. When researchers found smoking caused cancer, commercials and advertisements featuring cigarettes were banned. Researchers have also found gambling to be one of the most common and fastest growing causes of bankruptcy – a practice that harms the gambler, families, marriages, employers, and the economy – I’ll bet you didn’t know that.

I’m still curious about bitcoin – not a clue.

I will be forever curious how reality television shows and the Kardashian family became popular – no words.

I continue to be curious about pronouns. Other than in academia, I have only received one email from someone in the public sector that listed his/her/them pronouns. And while we are on the topic of pronouns, I’m curious why having to disclose your pronouns isn’t an invasion of privacy – just wondering.

I remember being curious if the Kansas City Chiefs would win the Super Bowl – they did not.

I was curious whether Russell Wilson would be the answer to the Broncos’ dismal performances – he was not.

I was also curious if the Broncos coach would last the entire season – TBD.

I was curious and hopeful the vaccine would eradicate Covid – it didn’t.

I was also curious if turning 70 would make me feel old  – kinda.

You will, no doubt, notice I did not take on the really big issues:
World peace,
Poverty,
Discrimination,
War,
Politics,
Healthcare/Education/Housing disparities.

I’m leaving those conundrums to people much smarter than me; I got nothin’. Sadly, I’m not sure anyone else does either.

P.S. Despite mentioning that I couldn’t remember my word for 2022, and having to look at my January 1 blog to be reminded, turns out, that wasn’t my word! Unfortunately, I looked at my 2021 post for January 1, not the 2022 post. Evidently, my word for 2022 was embrace. So now, I’m embracing my mistake and I’m curious how that happened.

This is a post I created a few years ago. Given the heartbreaking prevalence of suicide in our society, the epidemics of loneliness, addiction, illness – all the things that may impact a person’s emotional well-being, I thought it was worth updating and repeating. If it saves one life, it will be worth feeling like Debbie Downer as I push send, again.

A few days ago, I learned a friend lost a loved one to suicide. I get it. Life can be so damn hard, and weariness and sorrow can be overwhelming even if you are only 14 or 24 or 54. I’ve read that most people don’t actually want to die; they just don’t want to be in pain anymore. Unfortunately, that decision leaves a lifetime of unanswered questions and pain for those left behind.

If you are struggling, PLEASE call a bestie, a brother, or that person in your life who will not judge and who loves you unconditionally. I’ve made that call more than once and I’ll be forever grateful to those who answered. If no one comes to mind, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

And if you get that call, don’t offer bs platitudes. Instead, listen with your heart.

What might be helpful is saying:

I’m sorry life is so hard right now.
What can I do?
May I come over?
May I meet you somewhere?
Do you have a plan, a gun, pills?

And if you don’t get the call, know there was nothing you could have done or should have done differently.

Don’t be afraid to reach out if you know someone who’s hurting, or sad, or lonely. Check on them, send them a note or a text, pray for them. And keep doing it until their darkness lifts.

“We are all just walking each other home.”

As Hallmark is announcing ad nauseam, the holidays are upon us. Thanks for that; I had no idea😒. I can’t imagine anyone needs a reminder every fifteen minutes given the fact stores have been decorated for Christmas since THE FOURTH OF JULY! I feel sorry for those of us who must endure the annual onslaught of holiday happenings. I’m here to tell ya, it can be exhausting…all that smiling, cheerfulness, and peopling. Way too much peopling.

Over the years, I’ve streamlined my festivities to a bare minimum. I put out my Grinch cookie jar, attend a cookie exchange (to fill the jar), and give the gbabes the gifts of experiences and adventures. I enjoy other people’s decorations, listen to Christmas music on Christmas Eve and Christmas day (as it was intended), watch Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story on the 25th, and then celebrate with a huge sigh of relief when midnight strikes and the merriment and madness is over.

I find the best respite from the chaos are the religious traditions I cherish. This year, a friend and I met in Kansas City to hear the Symphony perform Handel’s Messiah. Beautiful music and a beautiful friend, priceless gifts. My church still presents Christmas Vespers and several alternatives to midnight Mass. (I mean, midnight, really?!) My friends and family don’t expect a Happy Holidays card, a perfectly wrapped gift, a newsy newsletter, or an invite to an ugly sweater Christmas party. Instead, I send them unconditional love and wish them peace, joy, and everything their heart desires. After all, isn’t that what Christmas is about?

Evidently, it’s gift giving season, or so I’m reminded by the relentless holiday commercials. I don’t know what’s worse, the political ads or the ad nauseam marketing that suggests a new car wrapped in a bow or a diamond necklace will bring lasting joy. Read the collective room; Scrooge and I have our doubts.

If you really want to give a gift that keeps on giving, have I got a deal for you. As far as I can tell, this is the BIGGEST and BEST offer available, but you must act fast! There is no expiration date, it’s a universal one-size-fits-all, AND, it’s a gift for both the giver and receiver. Most importantly, it’s FREE!

Shovel your neighbor’s driveway – exercise for you and relief for them.

Text a new mom and offer to come over for an hour so she can shower, nap, take a walk – you are rocking a baby and momma is getting a much needed break.

Ride with a teenager who just got his driver’s permit – it will strengthen your heart and he will accumulate hours toward his license.

Go to the grocery store for an elderly neighbor – you were going anyway and they will be grateful.

Call a friend – we are better together.

Volunteer – the experience of giving to others is such a gift to both you and them.

Read to littles at the library – you will be surrounded by giggles and wiggles and they will learn the magic of storytelling.

Listen to a budding musician – you will be amazed at their progress and they will appreciate having an audience.

Watch sports with the males in your family – you will get to spend quality time with them, and they will cherish the opportunity to answer every question you ever had about the game. (Sarcasm included.)

I’m sure I’ve forgotten something but at least we have our Christmas list started.

Anyone else stuffed?

My son, Matthew, hosted our Thanksgiving dinner this year and it was wonderful. My daughter, Kate, and her family were there, along with my mother who was visiting from Missouri. It has been years since we were all together.

Along with my immediate family, there was a plethora of Matthew’s friends, many of whom do not have relatives in Colorado. His home is known as the Rocky Mountain House of Fitness, and he has an open-door policy 365 days a year. It is not unusual to find him hosting world-class Crossfitters, professional football players, and anyone else who loves fitness. If you want to do 1000 box jumps, run with a 40# weight vest, or lift a ton of weight (literally), the RMHF is the place for you.

Matthew’s tradition is to host a Thanksgiving Day workout before the dinner. On occasion, I’ve joined he and his friends; it’s humbling to say the least. Suffice it to say, I do what I can without serious injury or broken bones. (And, as many of you know, that’s saying something!)

However, once it came time to enjoy our holiday feast, I’m proud to say I was a worthy opponent. I love that these fitness fanatics eat like the rest of us humans (at least one day a year). Ginormous amounts of food were consumed without guilt or hesitation. There was no calorie/macro counting or weighing of portions. There was even an entire table dedicated to desserts. Life as it should be.

I’m so thankful my children are living their best lives. Kate has a super stressful job yet she makes time for exercise on the daily. She is setting such an impressive example for her sons. Matthew, enough said about his fitness devotion. I claim no credit for their dedication to healthy living, but I will say, they inspire me every day. And for that, I am thankful.

Back in the day, many, many moons ago, there was a television show called The Waltons. A few, but not many, may remember it, the reasons for which we shall not disclose here 😊. I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday so recalling a TV show that aired in 1972 is monumental.

The show featured Ma and Pa Walton and their children, along with Grandma and Grandpa Walton. The three generations lived under the same roof and experienced the joys and hardships of mountain living during the Great Depression. Every episode came full circle by the end of each hour (that life should be so neat and tidy) and ended with everyone in the house telling John Boy “Good night.” Those were simpler times.

The show featured several other characters, my personal favorites being the Baldwin sisters. Miss Emily and Miss Mamie portrayed feisty crones who were rumored to produce moonshine on Waltons Mountain. Their specialty was known as The Recipe. During my extensive taste-testing research, I was surprised to learn there is an actual Recipe:
750 ml tequila; 2 cups of sugar; 3 cups of water; 1 ounce orange extract; and 23 ounces of lemon juice.

I’m not much of a drinker, and the original Recipe doesn’t really appeal to me. However, while in grad school, I created my own Recipe in their honor. My signature cocktail is a winter favorite:
Hot cocoa; Baileys Irish Crème; Kahlua; Butterscotch Schnapps; and whipped cream. (No measuring required.)

I highly recommend this deliciousness. While in school, one mug in front of the fire while reading boring textbooks provided the perfect respite. A second mug resulted in waking up several hours later with the textbook on the floor and a kink in my neck from falling asleep in the chair. All things in moderation.

Fast forward 50 years and imagine my surprise when I see a recipe for “Christmas Cookie Jello Shots” on Facebook. The recipe includes the exact ingredients I used to create my masterpiece, minus the whipped cream. I can’t decide if I should be flattered or sue for copyright infringement (if only I had patented my invention).

Bottoms up! You can thank me later!

Do you make “To-Do” lists? I’ve done so for years. I find scratching things off the list to be ridiculously satisfying. In fact, I will add an item I’ve already finished just to be able to scratch it off. It’s the little things that keep me sane(ish).

I usually start my list on Monday and just keep adding and deleting all week long. I’ve also been known to carry the list over to the next week if too many tasks remain. Let’s face it, sometimes life gets in the way. I no longer stress about not getting everything finished, but I also can’t give up on a task once it’s on the list. This summer, I finished a list I had kept for 2 years. Remember, I said “sane(ish).”

As the holidays approach, I would like to share something I heard this week that stopped me in my tracks, “Sometimes our Stop-Doing list needs to be bigger than our To-Do list.” I think Patti Digh is on to something. I’m sure you know what’s coming next.

My Stop-Doing list:

1.Stop spending so much time on social media
2.Stop being hesitant to ask for help
3.Stop procrastinating
4.Stop negative self-talk

And since it’s “No”vember, practice saying “no” to people, places, and things that exhaust you, and say “yes” to people, places, and things that bring joy to your life. I will definitely add that to the list.

My graduate students are in the final stretch of completing their Social Work Skills course. I’m always impressed with the students’ ability to begin the class with no previous social work experience and finish the quarter capable and confident. I also caution them that some unlucky student will probably be my social worker in the nursing home, so they need to be armed with mad skills!

As we near the end of the quarter, students learn Solution-Focused Therapies (SFT). SFT encourages a shift from discussing problems to identifying solutions. Those of us in the helping professions are known to want to “fix” things. SFT assists clients in recognizing their innate ability to solve their problems. After all, does anyone really know what’s “best” for someone else? SFT provides various techniques clients can ‘try on’ for appropriateness, one such method being the Miracle Question. The Miracle Question asks clients to imagine going to bed with a problem and waking up to find the problem has gotten better…not disappeared or resolved, just better. What does life look like after the miracle has occurred?

I’m a fan of the Miracle Question for several reasons. First, it doesn’t “fix” things. Instead, it gives the client an opportunity to reflect on what would make things better, baby steps if you will. Rather than adopting an ‘all or nothing approach,’ clients draw upon remedies that have benefitted them in the past. It’s very empowering for clients to recognize their ability to navigate challenges effectively.

I use the Miracle Question in my personal life whenever I feel stuck. I retrace my steps to make sure I am doing the things I know are effective in ameliorating my stuckness. (Yes, it’s a word.) Have I gotten enough sleep? Have I been exercising regularly? Am I eating healthy meals? Am I spending time in prayer and meditation? Am I journaling? Have I spent time in nature? Simply put, remember what’s made things better in the past, and do more of that.

Since I’ve yet to find a magic wand to solve all my problems, I rely on the Magic Question to keep me from succumbing to the slippery slope called hopelessness. If you decide to try the Miracle Question, please let me know how it worked. If you find a magic wand, by all means please buy one for each of us. I’ll Venmo you.