WORDS TO LIVE BY

This is a post I created a few years ago. Given the heartbreaking prevalence of suicide in our society, the epidemics of loneliness, addiction, illness – all the things that may impact a person’s emotional well-being, I thought it was worth updating and repeating. If it saves one life, it will be worth feeling like Debbie Downer as I push send, again.

A few days ago, I learned a friend lost a loved one to suicide. I get it. Life can be so damn hard, and weariness and sorrow can be overwhelming even if you are only 14 or 24 or 54. I’ve read that most people don’t actually want to die; they just don’t want to be in pain anymore. Unfortunately, that decision leaves a lifetime of unanswered questions and pain for those left behind.

If you are struggling, PLEASE call a bestie, a brother, or that person in your life who will not judge and who loves you unconditionally. I’ve made that call more than once and I’ll be forever grateful to those who answered. If no one comes to mind, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

And if you get that call, don’t offer bs platitudes. Instead, listen with your heart.

What might be helpful is saying:

I’m sorry life is so hard right now.
What can I do?
May I come over?
May I meet you somewhere?
Do you have a plan, a gun, pills?

And if you don’t get the call, know there was nothing you could have done or should have done differently.

Don’t be afraid to reach out if you know someone who’s hurting, or sad, or lonely. Check on them, send them a note or a text, pray for them. And keep doing it until their darkness lifts.

“We are all just walking each other home.”

As Hallmark is announcing ad nauseam, the holidays are upon us. Thanks for that; I had no idea😒. I can’t imagine anyone needs a reminder every fifteen minutes given the fact stores have been decorated for Christmas since THE FOURTH OF JULY! I feel sorry for those of us who must endure the annual onslaught of holiday happenings. I’m here to tell ya, it can be exhausting…all that smiling, cheerfulness, and peopling. Way too much peopling.

Over the years, I’ve streamlined my festivities to a bare minimum. I put out my Grinch cookie jar, attend a cookie exchange (to fill the jar), and give the gbabes the gifts of experiences and adventures. I enjoy other people’s decorations, listen to Christmas music on Christmas Eve and Christmas day (as it was intended), watch Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story on the 25th, and then celebrate with a huge sigh of relief when midnight strikes and the merriment and madness is over.

I find the best respite from the chaos are the religious traditions I cherish. This year, a friend and I met in Kansas City to hear the Symphony perform Handel’s Messiah. Beautiful music and a beautiful friend, priceless gifts. My church still presents Christmas Vespers and several alternatives to midnight Mass. (I mean, midnight, really?!) My friends and family don’t expect a Happy Holidays card, a perfectly wrapped gift, a newsy newsletter, or an invite to an ugly sweater Christmas party. Instead, I send them unconditional love and wish them peace, joy, and everything their heart desires. After all, isn’t that what Christmas is about?

Evidently, it’s gift giving season, or so I’m reminded by the relentless holiday commercials. I don’t know what’s worse, the political ads or the ad nauseam marketing that suggests a new car wrapped in a bow or a diamond necklace will bring lasting joy. Read the collective room; Scrooge and I have our doubts.

If you really want to give a gift that keeps on giving, have I got a deal for you. As far as I can tell, this is the BIGGEST and BEST offer available, but you must act fast! There is no expiration date, it’s a universal one-size-fits-all, AND, it’s a gift for both the giver and receiver. Most importantly, it’s FREE!

Shovel your neighbor’s driveway – exercise for you and relief for them.

Text a new mom and offer to come over for an hour so she can shower, nap, take a walk – you are rocking a baby and momma is getting a much needed break.

Ride with a teenager who just got his driver’s permit – it will strengthen your heart and he will accumulate hours toward his license.

Go to the grocery store for an elderly neighbor – you were going anyway and they will be grateful.

Call a friend – we are better together.

Volunteer – the experience of giving to others is such a gift to both you and them.

Read to littles at the library – you will be surrounded by giggles and wiggles and they will learn the magic of storytelling.

Listen to a budding musician – you will be amazed at their progress and they will appreciate having an audience.

Watch sports with the males in your family – you will get to spend quality time with them, and they will cherish the opportunity to answer every question you ever had about the game. (Sarcasm included.)

I’m sure I’ve forgotten something but at least we have our Christmas list started.

Anyone else stuffed?

My son, Matthew, hosted our Thanksgiving dinner this year and it was wonderful. My daughter, Kate, and her family were there, along with my mother who was visiting from Missouri. It has been years since we were all together.

Along with my immediate family, there was a plethora of Matthew’s friends, many of whom do not have relatives in Colorado. His home is known as the Rocky Mountain House of Fitness, and he has an open-door policy 365 days a year. It is not unusual to find him hosting world-class Crossfitters, professional football players, and anyone else who loves fitness. If you want to do 1000 box jumps, run with a 40# weight vest, or lift a ton of weight (literally), the RMHF is the place for you.

Matthew’s tradition is to host a Thanksgiving Day workout before the dinner. On occasion, I’ve joined he and his friends; it’s humbling to say the least. Suffice it to say, I do what I can without serious injury or broken bones. (And, as many of you know, that’s saying something!)

However, once it came time to enjoy our holiday feast, I’m proud to say I was a worthy opponent. I love that these fitness fanatics eat like the rest of us humans (at least one day a year). Ginormous amounts of food were consumed without guilt or hesitation. There was no calorie/macro counting or weighing of portions. There was even an entire table dedicated to desserts. Life as it should be.

I’m so thankful my children are living their best lives. Kate has a super stressful job yet she makes time for exercise on the daily. She is setting such an impressive example for her sons. Matthew, enough said about his fitness devotion. I claim no credit for their dedication to healthy living, but I will say, they inspire me every day. And for that, I am thankful.

Back in the day, many, many moons ago, there was a television show called The Waltons. A few, but not many, may remember it, the reasons for which we shall not disclose here 😊. I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday so recalling a TV show that aired in 1972 is monumental.

The show featured Ma and Pa Walton and their children, along with Grandma and Grandpa Walton. The three generations lived under the same roof and experienced the joys and hardships of mountain living during the Great Depression. Every episode came full circle by the end of each hour (that life should be so neat and tidy) and ended with everyone in the house telling John Boy “Good night.” Those were simpler times.

The show featured several other characters, my personal favorites being the Baldwin sisters. Miss Emily and Miss Mamie portrayed feisty crones who were rumored to produce moonshine on Waltons Mountain. Their specialty was known as The Recipe. During my extensive taste-testing research, I was surprised to learn there is an actual Recipe:
750 ml tequila; 2 cups of sugar; 3 cups of water; 1 ounce orange extract; and 23 ounces of lemon juice.

I’m not much of a drinker, and the original Recipe doesn’t really appeal to me. However, while in grad school, I created my own Recipe in their honor. My signature cocktail is a winter favorite:
Hot cocoa; Baileys Irish Crème; Kahlua; Butterscotch Schnapps; and whipped cream. (No measuring required.)

I highly recommend this deliciousness. While in school, one mug in front of the fire while reading boring textbooks provided the perfect respite. A second mug resulted in waking up several hours later with the textbook on the floor and a kink in my neck from falling asleep in the chair. All things in moderation.

Fast forward 50 years and imagine my surprise when I see a recipe for “Christmas Cookie Jello Shots” on Facebook. The recipe includes the exact ingredients I used to create my masterpiece, minus the whipped cream. I can’t decide if I should be flattered or sue for copyright infringement (if only I had patented my invention).

Bottoms up! You can thank me later!

Do you make “To-Do” lists? I’ve done so for years. I find scratching things off the list to be ridiculously satisfying. In fact, I will add an item I’ve already finished just to be able to scratch it off. It’s the little things that keep me sane(ish).

I usually start my list on Monday and just keep adding and deleting all week long. I’ve also been known to carry the list over to the next week if too many tasks remain. Let’s face it, sometimes life gets in the way. I no longer stress about not getting everything finished, but I also can’t give up on a task once it’s on the list. This summer, I finished a list I had kept for 2 years. Remember, I said “sane(ish).”

As the holidays approach, I would like to share something I heard this week that stopped me in my tracks, “Sometimes our Stop-Doing list needs to be bigger than our To-Do list.” I think Patti Digh is on to something. I’m sure you know what’s coming next.

My Stop-Doing list:

1.Stop spending so much time on social media
2.Stop being hesitant to ask for help
3.Stop procrastinating
4.Stop negative self-talk

And since it’s “No”vember, practice saying “no” to people, places, and things that exhaust you, and say “yes” to people, places, and things that bring joy to your life. I will definitely add that to the list.

My graduate students are in the final stretch of completing their Social Work Skills course. I’m always impressed with the students’ ability to begin the class with no previous social work experience and finish the quarter capable and confident. I also caution them that some unlucky student will probably be my social worker in the nursing home, so they need to be armed with mad skills!

As we near the end of the quarter, students learn Solution-Focused Therapies (SFT). SFT encourages a shift from discussing problems to identifying solutions. Those of us in the helping professions are known to want to “fix” things. SFT assists clients in recognizing their innate ability to solve their problems. After all, does anyone really know what’s “best” for someone else? SFT provides various techniques clients can ‘try on’ for appropriateness, one such method being the Miracle Question. The Miracle Question asks clients to imagine going to bed with a problem and waking up to find the problem has gotten better…not disappeared or resolved, just better. What does life look like after the miracle has occurred?

I’m a fan of the Miracle Question for several reasons. First, it doesn’t “fix” things. Instead, it gives the client an opportunity to reflect on what would make things better, baby steps if you will. Rather than adopting an ‘all or nothing approach,’ clients draw upon remedies that have benefitted them in the past. It’s very empowering for clients to recognize their ability to navigate challenges effectively.

I use the Miracle Question in my personal life whenever I feel stuck. I retrace my steps to make sure I am doing the things I know are effective in ameliorating my stuckness. (Yes, it’s a word.) Have I gotten enough sleep? Have I been exercising regularly? Am I eating healthy meals? Am I spending time in prayer and meditation? Am I journaling? Have I spent time in nature? Simply put, remember what’s made things better in the past, and do more of that.

Since I’ve yet to find a magic wand to solve all my problems, I rely on the Magic Question to keep me from succumbing to the slippery slope called hopelessness. If you decide to try the Miracle Question, please let me know how it worked. If you find a magic wand, by all means please buy one for each of us. I’ll Venmo you.

Anyone who lives with chronic pain, or lives with someone who has chronic pain, knows the devastation that ensues. Often invisible, unpredictable, and misunderstood, pain has the ability to impact every aspect of a person’s life, and the lives of those who bear witness to the suffering. At its best, pain is a nagging annoyance; at its worst, pain is a vicious, unrelenting behemoth.

I have experienced migraines for many years. The headaches incapacitate me to the point that all I can do is sequester myself in a dark room, take frequent hot showers, replenish ice bags on an hourly basis, and bow to the porcelain gods. The day after a migraine, I can barely brush my hair due to the tenderness of my scalp. The good news is the headaches are sporadic and only last 24 hours. The bad news is the headaches are excruciating and last one thousand, four hundred, and forty-four minutes.

I’m so very grateful my experience with pain is limited to a few migraines a year. Those who live with chronic pain experience a very different reality. Along with the physical aspects of pain, there are emotional, psychological, and practical issues involved. On occasion, there may even be a spiritual component. It is not always obvious that someone is in pain. There can be prejudice, discrimination, and judgment toward someone living with chronic pain, and steady employment is often compromised due to pain episodes or exacerbations. Applying for Social Security Disability can be a unique pain in and of itself. There really is no end to the misery.

I’m grateful for physicians who specialize in pain management, palliative care specialists, and pharmaceuticals that address pain. I’m also thankful for holistic alternatives such as biofeedback, therapy, cannabis, and psilocybin. There are those that say the dosing of holistic medicines is uncertain and indiscriminate. To which I would suggest, “1-2 pills every 4-6 hours” doesn’t seem like an exact science either.

Years ago, I was visiting a patient who was in severe agony. When I asked him about his pain, this was his reply, “There’s worse things than dying and one of them is living like this.” Enough said.

I have been listening to a series of podcasts about grief hosted by Anderson Cooper and I’ve found them to be mesmerizing. He is so honest and raw when he talks about the loss of his father, mother, and brother. When his voice cracks (which it does often), my heart aches for him. If you get a chance, they are well worth the time.

On one of the podcasts, I heard this comment, “You’ll have a happier life if you are an optimist. Choose that.” The statement has stayed with me for weeks, causing me to consider whether I am an optimist. The answer is, “No.”

The Oxford dictionary defines optimism as “hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something.” That’s not me. I’m not sure, but I think life experiences, my age, politics, or a combination of all the above have resulted in a general cynicism that precludes my ability to be Mary Poppins. Hats off to those who see the cup half full, believe ‘something good always comes out of something bad,’ and profess a rainbow of other platitudes; I’m just not a charter member of the club.

However, neither am I a pessimist. Oxford defines pessimism as “a tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen.” I will readily admit, there was a time in my life when doom and gloom was what I expected, and usually experienced. Remember that song on Hee-Haw, “If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all?” That was me. It wasn’t even that the glass was half empty, there was no glass.

Truth be told, I am a skeptic. The definition in the dictionary includes my picture and an explanation that a skeptic is, “A person inclined to question or doubt accepted opinions” – that’s me. I can question a decision to death. I research everything. It’s not about the glass being half full or half empty. I want to see the glass, hold the glass, know what the glass is made of, how many ounces it holds, and if anyone has made sure the measurements are accurate. And even when I’ve exhausted all feasible explanations, options, opinions, and considerations, I will continue to ruminate on the choices until someone finally says, “For the love of all things holy…make a damn decision!” I hear that a lot.

How about you?

Now that I have some free time, I’ve begun volunteering. One of my favorite organizations is Joy’s Kitchen. Kathy, the woman who created Joy’s, is amazing. Over the past 10+ years she has made it her mission to eliminate food waste, improve the lives of those experiencing food insecurity, and to effect climate change. Each month, over 400 volunteers unite in a shared intention to gather, sort, and distribute food. “We know that every act to help eradicate climate change through saving viable food from waste can also love people. We are the solutions to a healthier planet and people.”

I’ve known Kathy for many years. We met rather serendipitously when her father was ill, and I was their palliative care coordinator. She and her dad told me about Joy’s Kitchen, named after their beloved wife and mother, Joyce. Fast forward years later, I arrive at a food bank to volunteer and the first person I see is Kathy.

Kathy is a people magnet and an entrepreneur extraordinaire. Three times a week, Joy’s trucks and trailers make their rounds throughout the city collecting food from area grocery stores. When you see the condition of the trucks and trailers, it is a wonder they keep plugging along, but where there’s a will, there’s a way. Approximately 6,000 pounds of food is rescued each trip and distributed to individuals, shelters, and other food banks. Joy’s motto is: Save Food – Love People.

On Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, Joy’s opens their doors to the community to distribute free food. There are no restrictions or criteria for participating; everyone is welcome. In fact, one of the things I appreciate most about Joy’s is their mission to create a “We’re all in this together,” vibe rather than an “us vs. them” environment. Kathy explains, “We are not here for them, we are here with them.” As such, volunteers are encouraged to “shop” along with the other “guests.”

A professor once said, “The difference between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have-nots’ is simply a matter of timing.” I’ve never forgotten those words. Truth be told, most of us are one, maybe two paychecks away from financial ruin. Divorce, illness, unemployment, a pandemic…none of us are immune to life’s hardships.

On the home page for Joy’s Kitchen, there is a quote, “Together we can be the change we wish to see in the world.” IYKYK

❤️

P.S. Joy’s Kitchen is in dire need of financial assistance to continue their noble mission. If you have a few extra dollars, or a whole bunch of dollars, please consider donating at joyskitchen.org/donate.