WORDS TO LIVE BY

I must admit, I had no idea exactly what “Live an Examined Life” meant. As so often happens, I heard the phrase three different times, from three different sources, within a short span of time. I believe that’s a sign to pay attention, and not to ignore the Universe’s gentle nudge. I did not realize the effort would take so long, create more questions than answers, and result in some serious introspection. I don’t know that I ever discovered the true definition; it seems everyone has their own interpretation which makes perfect sense given the topic.

I started the process in my usual way looking up the definition of examine. Oxford says, “Inspect (someone or something) in detail to determine their nature or condition; investigate thoroughly.” That resulted in an honest, thought-provoking exploration of my past and present personhood. Next, I turned to Mr. Google. Boy did that open a panacea of options. There were witty sayings, proverbs, Pinterest posts, and tee-shirts adorned with Live an Examined Life. Still, none seemed to resonate with me. Eventually, I decided to create my own definition:

Live an Examined Life – the ability to be present in each moment; to practice kindness and gratitude toward self and others; do no harm; comfort the suffering; adopt an accepting, non-judgmental attitude toward self and others; recognize the fragility of life; be better; make the most of every day.

I realize my definition is a bit wordy and won’t fit on the tee-shirts I see at the mall. Neither is it likely to appear on a Pinterest board or a motivational poster. Nonetheless, it works for me. As someone who has more years behind them than in front of them, I want to spend the rest of my days examining my life through a wide-angle lens. I want the time left to matter and to know, somewhere down the road, I will hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

I lost my phone the other day and I was surprised how quickly panic set in. At first, I assured myself all I had to do was use the house phone to call it…until I remembered I don’t have a house phone anymore. Then I realized I could have my daughter call it…until I remembered I would need a phone to call her to ask her to call it. I was hoping someone would call but remembered it was on Do Not Disturb and the ringer was silenced. By now you’re getting the picture.

I’m good about the monthly backup option on the Cloud so I knew all was not lost…just the phone. Then I remembered I had also lost my calendar, contacts, tickets to concerts, and the ability to text. My greatest concern, other than the phone, was the list of passwords I keep in Notes. The thought of having to reset all new passwords put me into hyper hysteria.

For the past year, I’ve been working hard at not being so attached to my phone. I don’t take it everywhere, I don’t always answer it just because it rings, and I place it on Do Not Disturb from 9pm to 7am. The idea of being constantly tethered is unappealing to me. I’m old enough to remember when the phone was on the wall, not in your pocket, and I truly believe those were simpler times.

Long story short, after hours of searching, I found it under a pile of papers in my study that needed to be filed (a further discussion about my organizational skills is pending).

Lessons learned:
Print out the password Note and concert tickets
Create a Google calendar on my laptop that syncs to my phone (no small feat)
Thank St. Anthony, the patron saint of lost things.

Be forewarned, I’m about to climb up on my soapbox and disclose some unpleasantness. My intent is not to judge or offend. I am merely sharing my observations in hopes of encouraging everyone to do better, myself included.

I am befuddled by the lack of politeness in today’s society. What happened to common courtesy? When did people stop saying “Excuse me” when they pass in front of another person or bump into someone? When did thank you notes become obsolete? And if writing a note isn’t possible (?), could you at least text me so I know you received the gift?

Unless you’re at the doctor’s office and asked to “open wide,” no one wants to see your tonsils when you yawn. And speaking of, didn’t your parents teach you not to talk with your mouth full? Above all else, please, please, cover your sneeze!

I know I sound like a crabby crone and, honestly, I don’t care. Then again, maybe that’s the point – people don’t seem to care. It used to be customary to thank someone who bestowed a compliment. There was also a time when business owners would thank customers for their patronage. When people ask favors or make a request, isn’t it polite to acknowledge it when the favor or request is delivered?

I’m afraid the pandemic has resulted in a rudeness epidemic. Maybe people spent so much time alone, they’ve forgotten the basics: “Please, thank you, you’re welcome, I appreciate you….” I’m hoping this epidemic won’t last long or require a vaccine.

I’m a list maker. If it needs to be done, it goes on the list. If I need to buy it at the grocery store, it goes on the list. Birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions I want to acknowledge go on the list. I love making lists and I especially cherish scratching items off the list when the task is complete.

This year, along with all my other To-Do lists, I’ve decided to make a To-Don’t list. I have a tendency to set unrealistic expectations for myself, although, the goals seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. I mean, doesn’t everyone want to lose 5 pounds by Friday, eat their body weight in protein every day, and read a book a week?

In an effort to keep evolving and becoming my best self, here’s my To-Don’t list:

Don’t procrastinate – do it and be done with it
Don’t multi-task – it’s bad for your brain
Don’t judge – enough said
Don’t be afraid to try new things – you may end up co-hosting a podcast
Don’t worry about money – strive for financial serenity not financial security (Is there really such a thing?)
Don’t do 50 bulgarian split squats – trust me
Don’t whine – ^^^^
Don’t quit until you’re finished – if it was easy everyone would do it
Don’t road rage – those crazy mother-truckers may have a gun
Don’t compare – everyone is tall, thin, successful and happy on Facebook
Don’t expect the Broncos to win the Super Bowl – yet
Don’t order Girl Scout cookies if you gave up sweets for Lent – happens every year
Don’t ignore the Check Engine light – ever
Don’t forget to be grateful.


What are you NOT doing this year?

Given that I now have the luxury of time and the ability to set my own schedule, I’m taking this year to try new things. I was worried that when I redesigned my career (again), I would be bored. Thankfully, I am busier than ever, but in a much more relaxed, enjoyable way.

I’ve been a runner for 30 years. During those years, I’ve used training programs, hill repeats, Fartlek’s, and Garmins to track every mile. This year, I’m running without a watch. I’m running as far as I want without knowing my time or distance. When I get tired, I turn around and run home. The idea of running for the fun of it is a stretch.

And speaking of stretching, I’m doing more of that these days, too. There is strong evidence that stretching is as important as strenuous exercise. I’ve tried yoga and the idea of holding the same pose for hours minutes is torture for me. However, I do recognize a calming that occurs when I allow my muscles to stretch naturally. I would still rather run, bike, hike, snowshoe, or swim, but I’m adding stretching so I can continue doing the activities I enjoy.

This year, I’m adding fiction selections to my reading list. I tend to gravitate toward biographies and self-help books. I have a few historical fictions I’ve read in the past that I thoroughly enjoyed, Wench and The Invention of Wings among my favorites. Lately, everyone seems to be talking about books by Colleen Hoover so I’m going out on a limb to see what all the fuss is about.

My friend, Robin, the host of a podcast called The Problem With Perfect, has invited me to co-host with her. I’m slowly getting comfortable with the idea of interviewing guests without social working them. It’s hard to ignore 20 years of assessing and therapeutic interventions but I’m giving it my best effort.

Lastly, for the past 6 years, I’ve led monthly guided meditation walks at the Denver Botanic Garden. This year, in addition to the regular programs, I’m going to be facilitating a children’s meditation group. The idea of acquainting 4–5-year-olds with the skills to calm their busy minds is intriguing to me. I’m not sure what wrangling 10 littles will do for my serenity, but I definitely think teaching them how to breathe through their emotions is worth a try.

Namaste

Drug addiction can rear its ugly head when it’s least expected. Truth be told, I don’t think it ever really goes away, it’s just that it always seems to catch us off guard upon its return. Years of clean living can implode at a moment’s notice, for no rhyme or reason, other than that seems to be the nature of addiction.

Substance abuse is so fickle. There can be years when things are good, when participation in AA/NA is a trusted lifeline, when employment is stable, and relationships are healthy. And years when addiction takes hold and practically strangles everyone in its path. Unfortunately, it isn’t just the addict that suffers, family and friends suffer too. I’ve watched mothers go days without sleep, searching frantically for answers and the whereabouts of their children. I’ve watched marriages dissolve and children be deprived of a loving, stable relationship with their parents. The damage caused by addiction casts a wide net.

I am grateful for the mental health professionals, rehabilitation centers, and support groups that work with those afflicted with addiction. It is estimated 20 million Americans over the age of 12 have a substance use disorder. It’s unfortunate that the need is greater than the resources but at least there is help available. I’m also glad there are programs like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon to support the family members and friends of addicts. The cycle of drug use, recovery, relapse, recovery, and relapse takes a heavy toll on everyone.

If you, or someone in your family is struggling with addiction, please reach out:

SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-days-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. There is also an online treatment locator.

Call: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

 AA.org
NA.org
Al-anon.org
Nar-anon.org

I was recently visited by 3 great-nieces and 2 great-nephews and boy did we have fun. Elf on the Shelf appeared out of nowhere, skiing and ice skating ensued, we played the rhyming game on our road trip, and we had a scavenger hunt on our hike. They found everything on their lists but the elephant and giraffe 😊. When I was telling the littles how much fun I had during their visit, one of them asked, “What do you do for fun when we’re not here?” Out of the mouths of babes.

What is it about adulthood that results in a loss of child-like fun? I read somewhere that kids laugh approximately 300 times a day; adults laugh 17.5 times (personally, I think that’s a bit optimistic). Adulting can definitely be a buzz kill sometimes but I’m sure there is fun to be had if we just look for it.

I think who we spend time with influences our fun quotient. I have a group of friends who bring humor and levity on the daily. Their texts include copious emojis and memes to further emphasize their hilarity. I’m also blessed with friends who share my love of all things irreverent and sarcastic…can you imagine? These are the friends you cherish yet know better than to sit next to at a solemn event or in a class in grad school.

As I was thinking about the question, I found it hard to identify things that I did just for fun. I like to exercise but there are ulterior motives associated with those activities. I enjoy reading, but I have a tendency to choose books that are educational/inspirational. I’m not much of a movie-goer or tv watcher unless it’s football. That said, sometimes watching certain football teams can be more frustrating than fun. Travel used to be fun, but the airlines have managed to take the fun out of Christmas, literally.

When it comes down to it, music, blogging, and spending time with family and friends are my favorite funs. I love all kinds of music, and although I can’t sing or play a musical instrument, I have great appreciation for those that do. Music is also associated with family and friends. Denver is home of the iconic Red Rocks Amphitheatre and going to shows there is fun personified (especially if I’m accompanied by my children and/or my music-loving friends).

Writing this blog is also fun. Honestly, I write it because I enjoy creative writing. I don’t care if anyone reads it, shares it, comments on it, or if it rivals Maria Shriver’s weekly newsletter. Not all of my blogs are light-hearted, but I find the exercise of creating the blog to be cathartic and fun. I’ve even been known to laugh at my own hilarious wit and wisdom.

So far, I have fun planned in January and February. I plan to make it a monthly occurrence. Kindred fun-seekers are welcome to join me.

I don’t know about you, but I’m always seeking balance. Am I doing too much or not enough? Is what I’m doing calming or creating frenzy? How much time am I spending doing what I love vs. just going through the motions? I am often reminded of a favorite mantra, “Do what you have to do until you can do what you love to do.”

In my search for balance, I found Ikigai, a Japanese concept that means ‘your reason for being.’ ‘Iki’ in Japanese means live or alive, and ‘gai’ describes value or worth. Your ikigai is your life purpose, your bliss. It’s what brings you joy and inspires you to get out of bed each morning – a sense of purpose, a reason for being – something that brings pleasure or fulfilment.

Ikigai consists of four components:
That which you love – Passion and/or Mission
That which you are good at – Passion and/or Profession
That which you can be paid for – Profession and/or Vocation
That which the world needs – Mission and/or Vocation

I like that the components overlap. Are we really ever just one or the other?

Passion is described as a strong feeling or emotion; something you love, something you’d do for free.
What are you passionate about? Who or what brings joy to your life every day?

Mission is a purpose or calling.
What is your calling? Is your calling fueled by your passion?

Profession is a career, a paid occupation typically requiring training or formal education.
Does your passion enhance your profession? How can you blend the two? Are you living to work, or working to live?

Vocation is an occupation regarded as particularly worthy and requiring great dedication.
Does what you do for a living require dedication? Does it bring joy and a sense of fulfillment, or is it merely a means to an end?

What would you do if you knew you would not fail?

I’m starting yet another new chapter this year. I’m beginning to feel like I’m the queen of re-inventing myself. Queen is probably an overstatement, let’s just say princess. At any rate, I’ve decided to retire from teaching. My motive for teaching was two-fold: I wanted to give back to the Social Work profession, and I wanted to do my part to make sure the next generation of social workers would be equipped with excellent skills. I was fortunate to have outstanding professors in grad school and I hope my students will look back fondly on our time together. Rest assured, I haven’t given up on the Semester at Sea opportunity, but that’s not an option until 2024. Who knows what I’ll be up to by then?!

This year, I’m focusing on Me First. No more putting myself on the back burner. I have a tendency to find way too many reasons to put everyone and everything else first and that needs to stop. By the end of the day, I’m too tired mentally and physically to do what’s best for me. I am struggling with feelings of selfishness but that needs to stop too. (Perhaps a blog for another day.) As my friend, Robin, reminds me, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Therefore, I am giving myself permission to fill my cup first before pouring into others. I’m confident there’s plenty to go around.

Here’s my plan:

Spend time in prayer/meditation each morning before I look at my phone or computer.
Exercise in the morning when I feel most energetic and before life gets in the way.
Journal in the evening when day is done to acknowledge gratitude.

That’s it. No grandiose resolutions, aspirations, or goals that often result in disappointment. I’ll keep you posted.

I’ve chosen my word for 2023: Acceptance.

Acceptance will be a challenge for me. There are so many things I wish would change; there are many things I want to change; and there are a few things that may never change. Despite my best efforts, I’ve come to realize acceptance is often the limit of my ability to affect change.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” only takes you so far when it comes to people or situations where injustice prevails. Discrimination, healthcare, poverty, addiction – the list seems endless. Acceptance doesn’t mean one is blind to the dysfunction, it just respects and honors that, other than acceptance, there is little-to-nothing that can be done to influence a system, person, or circumstances that cannot or will not change. Recognition of that fact has been a hard-fought battle for me.

Acceptance is not complacency. Where there is an opportunity to make a difference, I want to do so. When I can help or encourage, I will. And, as a friend reminded me this week, rather than, “When all else fails, pray,” I will pray first, then accept.

Acceptance feels calming. Acceptance feels liberating. Acceptance feels healthy. After all, I am a firm believer that no one knows what’s best for another human being, even if it seems painfully obvious to a gazillion other people. To take away someone’s autonomy is to take away their personhood.

Sometimes life can feel like watching a train wreck about to happen. Although the passengers may have been forewarned about the danger, it’s still their decision to disembark or keep on rolling. Acceptance acknowledges that, unless you are driving the train, what unfolds is almost always out of your control.

I plan to spend the next 365 days reciting the Serenity Prayer on the daily. I hope to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. It may be a very long year.

What’s your word?