WORDS TO LIVE BY

Given that I now have the luxury of time and the ability to set my own schedule, I’m taking this year to try new things. I was worried that when I redesigned my career (again), I would be bored. Thankfully, I am busier than ever, but in a much more relaxed, enjoyable way.

I’ve been a runner for 30 years. During those years, I’ve used training programs, hill repeats, Fartlek’s, and Garmins to track every mile. This year, I’m running without a watch. I’m running as far as I want without knowing my time or distance. When I get tired, I turn around and run home. The idea of running for the fun of it is a stretch.

And speaking of stretching, I’m doing more of that these days, too. There is strong evidence that stretching is as important as strenuous exercise. I’ve tried yoga and the idea of holding the same pose for hours minutes is torture for me. However, I do recognize a calming that occurs when I allow my muscles to stretch naturally. I would still rather run, bike, hike, snowshoe, or swim, but I’m adding stretching so I can continue doing the activities I enjoy.

This year, I’m adding fiction selections to my reading list. I tend to gravitate toward biographies and self-help books. I have a few historical fictions I’ve read in the past that I thoroughly enjoyed, Wench and The Invention of Wings among my favorites. Lately, everyone seems to be talking about books by Colleen Hoover so I’m going out on a limb to see what all the fuss is about.

My friend, Robin, the host of a podcast called The Problem With Perfect, has invited me to co-host with her. I’m slowly getting comfortable with the idea of interviewing guests without social working them. It’s hard to ignore 20 years of assessing and therapeutic interventions but I’m giving it my best effort.

Lastly, for the past 6 years, I’ve led monthly guided meditation walks at the Denver Botanic Garden. This year, in addition to the regular programs, I’m going to be facilitating a children’s meditation group. The idea of acquainting 4–5-year-olds with the skills to calm their busy minds is intriguing to me. I’m not sure what wrangling 10 littles will do for my serenity, but I definitely think teaching them how to breathe through their emotions is worth a try.

Namaste

Drug addiction can rear its ugly head when it’s least expected. Truth be told, I don’t think it ever really goes away, it’s just that it always seems to catch us off guard upon its return. Years of clean living can implode at a moment’s notice, for no rhyme or reason, other than that seems to be the nature of addiction.

Substance abuse is so fickle. There can be years when things are good, when participation in AA/NA is a trusted lifeline, when employment is stable, and relationships are healthy. And years when addiction takes hold and practically strangles everyone in its path. Unfortunately, it isn’t just the addict that suffers, family and friends suffer too. I’ve watched mothers go days without sleep, searching frantically for answers and the whereabouts of their children. I’ve watched marriages dissolve and children be deprived of a loving, stable relationship with their parents. The damage caused by addiction casts a wide net.

I am grateful for the mental health professionals, rehabilitation centers, and support groups that work with those afflicted with addiction. It is estimated 20 million Americans over the age of 12 have a substance use disorder. It’s unfortunate that the need is greater than the resources but at least there is help available. I’m also glad there are programs like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon to support the family members and friends of addicts. The cycle of drug use, recovery, relapse, recovery, and relapse takes a heavy toll on everyone.

If you, or someone in your family is struggling with addiction, please reach out:

SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-days-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. There is also an online treatment locator.

Call: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

 AA.org
NA.org
Al-anon.org
Nar-anon.org

I was recently visited by 3 great-nieces and 2 great-nephews and boy did we have fun. Elf on the Shelf appeared out of nowhere, skiing and ice skating ensued, we played the rhyming game on our road trip, and we had a scavenger hunt on our hike. They found everything on their lists but the elephant and giraffe 😊. When I was telling the littles how much fun I had during their visit, one of them asked, “What do you do for fun when we’re not here?” Out of the mouths of babes.

What is it about adulthood that results in a loss of child-like fun? I read somewhere that kids laugh approximately 300 times a day; adults laugh 17.5 times (personally, I think that’s a bit optimistic). Adulting can definitely be a buzz kill sometimes but I’m sure there is fun to be had if we just look for it.

I think who we spend time with influences our fun quotient. I have a group of friends who bring humor and levity on the daily. Their texts include copious emojis and memes to further emphasize their hilarity. I’m also blessed with friends who share my love of all things irreverent and sarcastic…can you imagine? These are the friends you cherish yet know better than to sit next to at a solemn event or in a class in grad school.

As I was thinking about the question, I found it hard to identify things that I did just for fun. I like to exercise but there are ulterior motives associated with those activities. I enjoy reading, but I have a tendency to choose books that are educational/inspirational. I’m not much of a movie-goer or tv watcher unless it’s football. That said, sometimes watching certain football teams can be more frustrating than fun. Travel used to be fun, but the airlines have managed to take the fun out of Christmas, literally.

When it comes down to it, music, blogging, and spending time with family and friends are my favorite funs. I love all kinds of music, and although I can’t sing or play a musical instrument, I have great appreciation for those that do. Music is also associated with family and friends. Denver is home of the iconic Red Rocks Amphitheatre and going to shows there is fun personified (especially if I’m accompanied by my children and/or my music-loving friends).

Writing this blog is also fun. Honestly, I write it because I enjoy creative writing. I don’t care if anyone reads it, shares it, comments on it, or if it rivals Maria Shriver’s weekly newsletter. Not all of my blogs are light-hearted, but I find the exercise of creating the blog to be cathartic and fun. I’ve even been known to laugh at my own hilarious wit and wisdom.

So far, I have fun planned in January and February. I plan to make it a monthly occurrence. Kindred fun-seekers are welcome to join me.

I don’t know about you, but I’m always seeking balance. Am I doing too much or not enough? Is what I’m doing calming or creating frenzy? How much time am I spending doing what I love vs. just going through the motions? I am often reminded of a favorite mantra, “Do what you have to do until you can do what you love to do.”

In my search for balance, I found Ikigai, a Japanese concept that means ‘your reason for being.’ ‘Iki’ in Japanese means live or alive, and ‘gai’ describes value or worth. Your ikigai is your life purpose, your bliss. It’s what brings you joy and inspires you to get out of bed each morning – a sense of purpose, a reason for being – something that brings pleasure or fulfilment.

Ikigai consists of four components:
That which you love – Passion and/or Mission
That which you are good at – Passion and/or Profession
That which you can be paid for – Profession and/or Vocation
That which the world needs – Mission and/or Vocation

I like that the components overlap. Are we really ever just one or the other?

Passion is described as a strong feeling or emotion; something you love, something you’d do for free.
What are you passionate about? Who or what brings joy to your life every day?

Mission is a purpose or calling.
What is your calling? Is your calling fueled by your passion?

Profession is a career, a paid occupation typically requiring training or formal education.
Does your passion enhance your profession? How can you blend the two? Are you living to work, or working to live?

Vocation is an occupation regarded as particularly worthy and requiring great dedication.
Does what you do for a living require dedication? Does it bring joy and a sense of fulfillment, or is it merely a means to an end?

What would you do if you knew you would not fail?

I’m starting yet another new chapter this year. I’m beginning to feel like I’m the queen of re-inventing myself. Queen is probably an overstatement, let’s just say princess. At any rate, I’ve decided to retire from teaching. My motive for teaching was two-fold: I wanted to give back to the Social Work profession, and I wanted to do my part to make sure the next generation of social workers would be equipped with excellent skills. I was fortunate to have outstanding professors in grad school and I hope my students will look back fondly on our time together. Rest assured, I haven’t given up on the Semester at Sea opportunity, but that’s not an option until 2024. Who knows what I’ll be up to by then?!

This year, I’m focusing on Me First. No more putting myself on the back burner. I have a tendency to find way too many reasons to put everyone and everything else first and that needs to stop. By the end of the day, I’m too tired mentally and physically to do what’s best for me. I am struggling with feelings of selfishness but that needs to stop too. (Perhaps a blog for another day.) As my friend, Robin, reminds me, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Therefore, I am giving myself permission to fill my cup first before pouring into others. I’m confident there’s plenty to go around.

Here’s my plan:

Spend time in prayer/meditation each morning before I look at my phone or computer.
Exercise in the morning when I feel most energetic and before life gets in the way.
Journal in the evening when day is done to acknowledge gratitude.

That’s it. No grandiose resolutions, aspirations, or goals that often result in disappointment. I’ll keep you posted.

I’ve chosen my word for 2023: Acceptance.

Acceptance will be a challenge for me. There are so many things I wish would change; there are many things I want to change; and there are a few things that may never change. Despite my best efforts, I’ve come to realize acceptance is often the limit of my ability to affect change.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” only takes you so far when it comes to people or situations where injustice prevails. Discrimination, healthcare, poverty, addiction – the list seems endless. Acceptance doesn’t mean one is blind to the dysfunction, it just respects and honors that, other than acceptance, there is little-to-nothing that can be done to influence a system, person, or circumstances that cannot or will not change. Recognition of that fact has been a hard-fought battle for me.

Acceptance is not complacency. Where there is an opportunity to make a difference, I want to do so. When I can help or encourage, I will. And, as a friend reminded me this week, rather than, “When all else fails, pray,” I will pray first, then accept.

Acceptance feels calming. Acceptance feels liberating. Acceptance feels healthy. After all, I am a firm believer that no one knows what’s best for another human being, even if it seems painfully obvious to a gazillion other people. To take away someone’s autonomy is to take away their personhood.

Sometimes life can feel like watching a train wreck about to happen. Although the passengers may have been forewarned about the danger, it’s still their decision to disembark or keep on rolling. Acceptance acknowledges that, unless you are driving the train, what unfolds is almost always out of your control.

I plan to spend the next 365 days reciting the Serenity Prayer on the daily. I hope to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. It may be a very long year.

What’s your word?

Each New Year, I choose a word or phrase to live by for the next 365 days. When I sat down to write this blog, try as I might, I could not recall my word for 2022. I wondered and pondered and strained my brain, all to no avail. Finally, I gave up and looked back on the Jan. 1 blog, only to find my word was curious. Oh, the irony!

So now that I remember my word, I am spending time remembering what I was curious about in 2022:

I was curious and disappointed to learn we had to turn the clocks back in November. I thought for sure there had been a vote and that dreadful practice had been abolished – wrong again.

I was curious why commercials for gambling are allowed on radio and television. When researchers found smoking caused cancer, commercials and advertisements featuring cigarettes were banned. Researchers have also found gambling to be one of the most common and fastest growing causes of bankruptcy – a practice that harms the gambler, families, marriages, employers, and the economy – I’ll bet you didn’t know that.

I’m still curious about bitcoin – not a clue.

I will be forever curious how reality television shows and the Kardashian family became popular – no words.

I continue to be curious about pronouns. Other than in academia, I have only received one email from someone in the public sector that listed his/her/them pronouns. And while we are on the topic of pronouns, I’m curious why having to disclose your pronouns isn’t an invasion of privacy – just wondering.

I remember being curious if the Kansas City Chiefs would win the Super Bowl – they did not.

I was curious whether Russell Wilson would be the answer to the Broncos’ dismal performances – he was not.

I was also curious if the Broncos coach would last the entire season – TBD.

I was curious and hopeful the vaccine would eradicate Covid – it didn’t.

I was also curious if turning 70 would make me feel old  – kinda.

You will, no doubt, notice I did not take on the really big issues:
World peace,
Poverty,
Discrimination,
War,
Politics,
Healthcare/Education/Housing disparities.

I’m leaving those conundrums to people much smarter than me; I got nothin’. Sadly, I’m not sure anyone else does either.

P.S. Despite mentioning that I couldn’t remember my word for 2022, and having to look at my January 1 blog to be reminded, turns out, that wasn’t my word! Unfortunately, I looked at my 2021 post for January 1, not the 2022 post. Evidently, my word for 2022 was embrace. So now, I’m embracing my mistake and I’m curious how that happened.

This is a post I created a few years ago. Given the heartbreaking prevalence of suicide in our society, the epidemics of loneliness, addiction, illness – all the things that may impact a person’s emotional well-being, I thought it was worth updating and repeating. If it saves one life, it will be worth feeling like Debbie Downer as I push send, again.

A few days ago, I learned a friend lost a loved one to suicide. I get it. Life can be so damn hard, and weariness and sorrow can be overwhelming even if you are only 14 or 24 or 54. I’ve read that most people don’t actually want to die; they just don’t want to be in pain anymore. Unfortunately, that decision leaves a lifetime of unanswered questions and pain for those left behind.

If you are struggling, PLEASE call a bestie, a brother, or that person in your life who will not judge and who loves you unconditionally. I’ve made that call more than once and I’ll be forever grateful to those who answered. If no one comes to mind, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

And if you get that call, don’t offer bs platitudes. Instead, listen with your heart.

What might be helpful is saying:

I’m sorry life is so hard right now.
What can I do?
May I come over?
May I meet you somewhere?
Do you have a plan, a gun, pills?

And if you don’t get the call, know there was nothing you could have done or should have done differently.

Don’t be afraid to reach out if you know someone who’s hurting, or sad, or lonely. Check on them, send them a note or a text, pray for them. And keep doing it until their darkness lifts.

“We are all just walking each other home.”

As Hallmark is announcing ad nauseam, the holidays are upon us. Thanks for that; I had no idea😒. I can’t imagine anyone needs a reminder every fifteen minutes given the fact stores have been decorated for Christmas since THE FOURTH OF JULY! I feel sorry for those of us who must endure the annual onslaught of holiday happenings. I’m here to tell ya, it can be exhausting…all that smiling, cheerfulness, and peopling. Way too much peopling.

Over the years, I’ve streamlined my festivities to a bare minimum. I put out my Grinch cookie jar, attend a cookie exchange (to fill the jar), and give the gbabes the gifts of experiences and adventures. I enjoy other people’s decorations, listen to Christmas music on Christmas Eve and Christmas day (as it was intended), watch Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story on the 25th, and then celebrate with a huge sigh of relief when midnight strikes and the merriment and madness is over.

I find the best respite from the chaos are the religious traditions I cherish. This year, a friend and I met in Kansas City to hear the Symphony perform Handel’s Messiah. Beautiful music and a beautiful friend, priceless gifts. My church still presents Christmas Vespers and several alternatives to midnight Mass. (I mean, midnight, really?!) My friends and family don’t expect a Happy Holidays card, a perfectly wrapped gift, a newsy newsletter, or an invite to an ugly sweater Christmas party. Instead, I send them unconditional love and wish them peace, joy, and everything their heart desires. After all, isn’t that what Christmas is about?

Evidently, it’s gift giving season, or so I’m reminded by the relentless holiday commercials. I don’t know what’s worse, the political ads or the ad nauseam marketing that suggests a new car wrapped in a bow or a diamond necklace will bring lasting joy. Read the collective room; Scrooge and I have our doubts.

If you really want to give a gift that keeps on giving, have I got a deal for you. As far as I can tell, this is the BIGGEST and BEST offer available, but you must act fast! There is no expiration date, it’s a universal one-size-fits-all, AND, it’s a gift for both the giver and receiver. Most importantly, it’s FREE!

Shovel your neighbor’s driveway – exercise for you and relief for them.

Text a new mom and offer to come over for an hour so she can shower, nap, take a walk – you are rocking a baby and momma is getting a much needed break.

Ride with a teenager who just got his driver’s permit – it will strengthen your heart and he will accumulate hours toward his license.

Go to the grocery store for an elderly neighbor – you were going anyway and they will be grateful.

Call a friend – we are better together.

Volunteer – the experience of giving to others is such a gift to both you and them.

Read to littles at the library – you will be surrounded by giggles and wiggles and they will learn the magic of storytelling.

Listen to a budding musician – you will be amazed at their progress and they will appreciate having an audience.

Watch sports with the males in your family – you will get to spend quality time with them, and they will cherish the opportunity to answer every question you ever had about the game. (Sarcasm included.)

I’m sure I’ve forgotten something but at least we have our Christmas list started.