WORDS TO LIVE BY

Years ago, I attended a conference that featured Brene Brown as the keynote speaker. If you’re not familiar with Brene Brown, just Google her name. In short, she is a gifted researcher, professor, author, and all-around bada$$ Social Worker.

During Brene’s presentation, she encouraged the audience to “Choose a moment of discomfort over hours of resentment.” The premise being, our typical knee-jerk reaction to any request (PTA refreshments, fieldtrip chaperone, dunking booth volunteer, etc.) is to say Yes when we really want to say No.

Why is saying No so hard? It is, after all, a complete sentence. Acceptable options may also be, ‘Not this time, but please ask again’ or maybe, ‘I don’t have time to bake cookies, are Oreos okay?’ I don’t know if it’s guilt, a desire to please, insanity, or all of the above, but women seem to have a really hard time saying No. That nonsense needs to stop.

I’ve shared Brene’s pearls of wisdom with many women. Each time, the response is as if they just struck gold. There’s usually a little giggle followed by a mischievous grin, and a “Gosh, I would love to be able to do that.” What’s stopping you?

I’m happy to say there’s a trend I’m noticing among the young, professional women of the Gen X,  Millennial, and Gen Z generations that’s encouraging. Rather than settle or struggle, many women are choosing to shift gears, enhance their careers, and prioritize what they want in life. Young women are unapologetically redefining their professional roles to fit their needs and those of their family. I recently met a 40-something businesswoman who reduced her day-to-day workload so she could serve on a Board that sets the standards for her industry. Rather than trying to juggle both positions, she wisely elected to make adjustments to her schedule for her well-being and that of her family. A friend’s 20-something daughter left her job in nursing to return to college to further her career. My nieces designed their jobs to work from home to accommodate the needs of their littles.

I am proud of these women. I’m not sure how or when they realized putting themselves first was not a luxury but a healthy way to balance life and work. Maybe they watched the older generation crash and burn and vowed to do better. Whatever motivated them, it’s a good thing to witness and admire.

And lest you think I’m tone-deaf to the insurmountable plight of many single parents who work 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet, I see you. Organizations, institutions, and the government MUST do better – a livable wage, health insurance, tuition reimbursement, childcare – all the things that contribute to someone’s success. I often encourage young people to think outside the box. Have you considered a paid apprenticeship at a trade school? The construction industry is desperate for trained professionals. Can you barter or job share? Now that higher education is readily accessible online, can you apply for Financial Aid and take 1 class a semester? The time will pass whether you are taking classes or not, but eventually, if you keep at it, you will graduate. Been there, done that (for 17 years).

Several of my friends are getting divorced. Been there, done that, twice.

My first divorce was ages ago; it was an epic battle. We made 11 Court appearances in 18 months, followed by annual Court appearances for the next 10 years. I won’t bore you with the details but suffice it to say it was a “NASTY” divorce.

Fast forward thirty years later, and I found myself in that situation again. After my first divorce, I was fond of saying, “I may end up a widow in prison, but I’m never getting another divorce.” Turns out that was an idle threat. Although I had jokingly suggested prison was preferable to divorce, there came a time when my well-being meant more than the stigma of being twice divorced. The good news is, I was older and wiser the second time around. From the very beginning, I set an intention to be kind and gracious. No matter what was said or done, I was determined to walk away with my head held high and my dignity intact. Kindness and graciousness became my mantra. I can’t say I was 100% successful but it was a far cry from my previous experience.

I don’t wish divorce on anyone. It is often a gut-wrenching experience. The children suffer, both wife and husband suffer, extended family suffers, friends suffer, and the only winners are the attorneys. I’m glad mediation is now part of the process, especially when children are involved. If there is any way to part amicably, that’s a win for everyone. When asked, and only when asked, I often suggest setting an intention, even if you must tattoo it on your hand as a reminder.

Kindness & Graciousness

I don’t have a husband, but I have a dog, and they’re kinda the same:

• My dog hogs the covers and snores.
• My dog doesn’t always respond when I call.
• My dog gives me “the look” when he wants something.
• My dog needs a lot of attention and positive reinforcement.
• My dog likes to pee outside.
• My dog is a finicky eater.
• My dog barks a lot.
• My dog is a creature of habit.
• My dog leaves his things scattered all over the house.
• My dog has smelly farts.
• My dog likes watching me clean, wash the dishes, fold the laundry, and cook.
• My dog falls asleep when I’m watching my favorite movie.
  

Whether you have a husband, or a dog, or both, I hope they are your best friend.
Happy Dogentine’s Day!

Have you ever had a day when you weren’t your best self? A day when you said things that should not have been thought, much less said out loud? Yesterday was my day.

I would like to blame it on Covid isolation, no exercise, and/or symptoms of SAD, but the truth is, I truly do not know what came over me. It was as if I was possessed by a demon that was spewing ugliness rivalling the Exorcist. Worse yet, I was sharing my venomous thoughts with a friend through texts. Thank God she’s a trusted confidante who will forgive me (and delete the texts) without asking for ransom.

I’ve decided to put myself in time out for a hot second to reconsider this colossal melt down. Was I dehydrated? Did I need sleep? Do I have Tourette’s? I can say, with all honesty, I don’t even recognize the person I became last night. (I’m finding hope in that realization.) Yes, I can be funny, and No, that is not my usual MO, but the fact that I tumbled down that rabbit hole with lightening speed scares me. Truth be told, it wasn’t really a tumble, it was more like being shot out of a cannon.

And so, first and foremost, I beg forgiveness from those poor souls I was maligning. Thankfully, they will never know, but I owe them my sincere apology. (I am, after all, Catholic, so imagine the guilt!) My second mea culpa goes to my friend on the receiving end of those texts. Ain’t nobody got time for that (even if it did make you laugh). Lastly, I beg forgiveness of myself. It may take me a minute to get over this nightmare, but I think that’s a good thing. I don’t ever want to wake up and feel this way again.

The recent fires in Colorado destroyed innumerable homes and businesses and left thousands homeless. This event reminded me of another catastrophe I lived through, the Great Flood of 1993. In both instances, people lost everything. Watching these events unfold on television was surreal. When you are from a particular area, and familiar with the homes and businesses destroyed, the pain is palpable. One of the television reporters began to cry as he described the devastation he was witnessing.

In 1993, I was working in human resources. I remember interviewing a young woman for a position and asking her to provide her driver’s license. She replied, “I lost that in the flood.” I then asked for a copy of her social security card or passport. Again, she replied, “I lost those in the flood, too. I lost everything in the flood. These aren’t even my own clothes.” It wasn’t just that she didn’t have a few documents, she lost everything…her purse, her personal effects, her house, her car, and every little and big precious thing. Watching the tragedy unfold in Boulder, I was reminded of that woman’s story. I cannot imagine losing everything.

Witnessing these events caused me to consider what I would save:
My dog, Maggie
A file that includes my birth certificate, passport, SSN card, a copy of my insurance cards, and a copy of my driver’s license. Today, I made duplicates of those documents to give my children for safekeeping.

I probably forgot something but, for now, that’s all I can think of that would be invaluable in starting the onerous process of re-creating a life. I’m good about backing up my phone on the Cloud which secures phone numbers and pictures. I also went through the house videotaping each room for insurance purposes and saved that on the Cloud, too – a minor inconvenience compared to those who lost everything.

Although the start of 2022 feels eerily similar to the start of 2021, it’s time for a new word to serve as my touchstone for the coming year. This decision was not easy. I was tempted to choose words like redundant, fatigued, bullcrap, despondent, apathetic, wretched, dismal, jaded, discontented, annoyed, disgruntled …words that reflect being so, so over the latest virus, vaccine debacle, masks, stock market fluctuations, and political tomfooleries…but enough about me!

After much deliberation and reflection, I’ve decided on embrace. Given life as we know it today, the idea of embracing the unknown feels hopeful. I’ve made enough trips around the sun to know there’s no predicting the future; to worry and fret about what might happen seems futile and a colossal waste of time. Besides, there’s so much to embrace. I want to embrace the future with open arms. I want to “embrace each moment as if I had invited it”… Pema Chodron’s words, not mine. I want to embrace uncertainty and welcome new ideas and adventures. I want to embrace the possibility of new career opportunities. I even want to embrace the suck (disappointments, set-backs, missteps, and mistakes).

Embrace is my guiding light for 2022 and you are welcome to remind me of that when I falter. And trust me, I will falter.

What’s your word?

It’s time for the dreaded New Year’s resolutions. I don’t know why we do that to ourselves. Those that study this kind of thing tell us most resolutions last for 36 days. To be more specific, an article in Smarter Living states the “second Friday in January is the fateful day when our annual commitments start to crumble.” That’s January 14, 2022 for those counting!

So often, we set unrealistic, unattainable goals and then succumb to defeat no sooner than we begin. I think part of the problem is the language we use when we’re talking to ourselves.

Words like:
I have to lose weight.
I need to exercise.
I must quit smoking.
I should eat healthier.

Need to, have to, must and should are heavy, overwhelming words. You can feel the stress and pressure before you even get started. Would you say those words to your best friend? Probably not. Then why do you say that to yourself?

I propose a kinder, gentler approach. Spend some time in quiet reflection asking yourself what or where you would like to be this time next year…not tomorrow or next month…a year from now.

Try using words like:
I would like to lose weight (and be realistic about how much each week/month for the next 365 days).
I get to exercise (whether it’s walking, yoga, going to a gym…think of it as a privilege).
I want to adopt healthy habits (start by setting incremental goals, be patient, expect setbacks but don’t let them totally derail you…start over as many times as you need to).

Remember, a goal without a plan is just a daydream.

Happy New Year!

It’s Christmas time AGAIN! Didn’t we just do this eleven months ago? Actually, I guess it’s been Christmas time for the past 3 months judging by the holiday displays in the stores. I think I saw my first Christmas commercial in October and the carols on the radio weren’t far behind. UGH!

For the past few years, I’ve been gifting experiences rather than things. I took my mom on a ‘girls’ weekend.’ I kept my great-niece for a few days while her parents had a babymoon. Two years ago, I gave my grandsons a trip to Seattle to experience kayaking and whale watching. And then there was Covid…The Germ That Stole Christmas! This year, I’m planning trips to the Immersive Van Gogh exhibit, theatre performances, sports events, and pool passes. Rather than asking, “What do you want?,” I suggest asking, “What do you like to do?” BAM – there’s your gift.

What I know for sure is experiences = memories and that’s the gift that keeps on giving.

That said, if you can’t resist gift giving, especially for older relatives, here’s a list I found in my Grief and the Holidays file. (Doesn’t everyone have a file entitled Grief and the Holidays?) Maybe something on the list will bring holiday joy to you and yours:

• A plant
• A gift for their pet
• A home-cooked meal delivered and shared
• A hand-made coupon book for household repairs, lawn mowing, leaf raking, etc.
• Pictures of your family (Digital photo frames are wonderful)
• A jigsaw puzzle
• A birdfeeder and the promise to keep it filled
• A book (especially if its about someone from their generation)
• A donation to a charity in their honor
• A subscription to Storyworth.com (We got this for our mom, and she loved it)
• Your undivided time and attention once a month = time well spent and may just be the BEST gift ever!

What a year!

My word for 2021 was curious, and 11 long months later, I’m curious how the heck we survived another trip around the sun. The year started with optimism and Covid vaccines. We were going to be rid of those pesky masks and social distancing in no time…or so they said. Eleven months later, at least in Colorado, we have the highest number of Covid hospitalizations since the pandemic started, the kids are still wearing masks to school (at least they are going to school), and more and more businesses are requesting that patrons mask up and be kind to protect their dwindling staff.

My beloved part-time job working with terminally ill patients and their families came to an end when my employer informed me that I needed to work full-time for less money. I’m still curious why they were surprised when I did not accept that oh-so-attractive offer. Instead, I’m seeing clients in my private grief counseling practice along with teaching and leading guided meditation walks at the Botanic Garden. It’s hard to keep a good woman down!

l will admit my curiosity got the best of me this year. I had been hearing about Critical Race Theory and White privilege and I wanted to understand the concepts more fully. I thought the best way to educate myself was to teach a course entitled Power, Privilege & Oppression. OMG! What I learned is that ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’ is no joke, AND, I’m never teaching that class again.

Don’t get me wrong…there were highlights. A vacation to amazing places with a forever friend was wonder-full. There were visits from friends and family, including one from the newest family member, a six-month old beautiful little red-headed girl named Scarlett, who reminded me why parenting is best left to those under whatever age doesn’t need 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I would say I’m curious what the new year will bring but ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m still working on my word for 2022. Given that 2022 will include a milestone birthday…I may decide to go with three words…beats the alternative.