A few months ago, my dear friend, Robin, the co-host of a wonderful podcast called, “The Problem With Perfect,” reflected upon turning 50. Although there were pearls of wisdom shared, it was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. I wanted to shout, “Girl, just wait!”
Turning 70 has been on my mind for months. You can say all you want about ‘Age is just a number’ or ’70 is the new 50.’ For me, turning 70 is a juxtaposition of dread and dismay:
My children are in their 40s – older than I was when I had them,
I graduated with my Master’s 20+ years ago – I’m teaching students who weren’t even born 20 years ago,
My white hair is evidently a fashion trend with the younger generation,
Some of my dearest friends have left this earth making those still state-side even more precious,
I tried marriage twice; come to find out, I’m just not that good at it. That said, I never dreamt I would be alone the rest of my life…alone but not lonely…big difference,
News reports about people dying at 73, 78, 82 and beyond cause me to ponder my expiration date.
I find it interesting that so many magazine articles start with:
Fit and Fierce over 40
Hairstyles for women over 50
Makeup mistakes after 60
It keeps getting worse with each decade.
Despite all that, I know I am blessed beyond measure. I come from a family of strong women who live well into their 90s. I have excellent health and the ability to hike/bike/swim/lift/run as often and as far as I want (just not as fast). My children and gbabes include me in their lives and have yet to mention nursing home placement. I have more friends than I can count and family that likes to ski visit.
Given that my word for 2022 is embrace, I guess I will!
I know a lot of really good dads. My grandsons are blessed with a wonderful dad. My brother-in-law is a fantastic father. My nephews and nephews-in-law are outstanding dads, and I have male friends who model exceptional parenting skills. I know it’s not easy, but they sure make it look like it is.
I guess being a good dad is similar to being a good mom – lots of on-the-job training without an instruction manual (as if they would read it 😊). I think the difference is that dads don’t always get the recognition they deserve. Nor do single moms who fill in for absentee dads.
The role models I admire share many of the same qualities:
Strong, faith-filled men who aren’t embarrassed to say, “I love you.”
Honest, humble men who aren’t too proud to say, “I’m sorry.”
Hard working men who also make time for fun. I’m reminded of one such dad who lived by the motto: Work hard, Play harder.
Kind, caring men who parent their bonus children just like their biological children.
Patient, compassionate men who are slow to anger and quick to forgive.
Some people won the lottery when it comes to dads, and for that you can thank your lucky stars, and your dad!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! School’s out, sun’s out, bike riders and exercise enthusiasts are out en masse. There are also cars out…driven by distracted, hangry drivers who don’t always take into consideration they are in a 4000# automobile while you are on a bike that weighs 25#, or worse yet, on foot.
As you bike or run this summer, please remember this:
Drivers often speed,
Drivers often run red lights,
Drivers don’t always look both ways before turning,
Drivers don’t always slow down in crosswalks, (even if the crosswalk is marked with flashing lights and white stripes)
Drivers often roll through stop signs,
Drivers are often distracted by their cell phone, the sunlight, or their burger and fries.
The reason I know all this about drivers is I’ve been guilty of these offenses myself. I’m also a cyclist and runner who knows I need to be extra careful when I’m sharing the road. I don’t really think drivers believe their time is worth more than my life, but sometimes it kinda feels that way. I’ve learned that even if I have the right-of-way, it’s best to wait until a driver acknowledges me and motions for me to proceed. Better safe than sorry!
Let’s have a great summer of exploration and exercise. Let’s remember to be especially cautious at intersections, and don’t forget to thank the drivers that give us a wave with their whole hand and not just their middle finger.
I’m not sure when just picking up the phone and calling someone became socially unacceptable. The new norm seems to be an initial text asking if I have time to talk, then a follow-up text asking when it would be convenient to call…we could be halfway through our conversation by now! For the record, you are welcome to just pick up the phone and call me, no preemptive texts necessary. If I’m busy, I won’t answer. If you leave a message, I’ll return the call. Heck, I’ll probably return your call even if you don’t leave a message (as long as I recognize your number and you’re not calling to extend my non-existent car warranty).
And while we’re on the topic of conversations, have you ever noticed how often people call with questions or concerns? Listening with an open heart and mind is essential, but it may also be helpful to ask this simple question before imparting words of wisdom, “Do you want support or solutions?” More often than not, callers are seeking a sympathetic ear and reassurance rather than Dr. Phil.
Truth be told, we rarely, if ever, know what’s best for someone else. A friend who can listen without judgment and resist the urge to offer advice is truly a treasure. If you don’t have one, be one!
Unless you’ve been living under a rock or on a deserted island, you know Sunday is Mother’s Day. For some, it is a day to honor and lavish our mothers. For others, it is one of the most dreaded days of the year.
Motherless Daughters is a book by Hope Edelman. It’s a book I frequently recommend to grieving daughters of all ages. I like the content, but I am not a fan of the title.
Can you ever really be a motherless daughter? Maybe your mom was more Moira Rose than Rebecca Pearson. Maybe your mom has dementia and you lost her while she’s still here. Maybe a grandmother, special aunt, or friend stepped in as a surrogate mother. Even if your mom has died, you are still a daughter.
I’ve learned mothers come in all shapes and sizes. Some mothers are ‘family by chance’ and some are ‘family by choice.’ Some make us better and some make us bitter, it’s really kind of a crap shoot. I’ve also learned there are myriad ways to find the love and support we all need, regardless of who bestows it.
Hallmark wants us to think we have one day a year to honor our mothers. I call b.s. on that. Being the best you, every day, honors your mother. Mentoring young men and women honors your mother. Dressing your littles in gingham dresses honors her too. Checking in once a week by phone or in person is an honor many covet. No one knows a mother like her children, so maybe spend some time thinking about how to best honor her while you have the chance.
And for those whose child has died, or mothers estranged from their children, you are still their mother. For those of you missing your mother, or those who can’t or don’t have children, be kind to yourself this weekend…Monday is right around the corner.
As I gently dip my toe into retirement, I’m making time to stop and smell the proverbial roses. As I’ve shared in the past, I’m not one for regret, but my new-found flexible schedule has me wondering what took me so long. It certainly isn’t like someone must be retired to appreciate their favorite things; I think it’s more about the luxury of time.
I’ve always loved trees – their character and their stature. That said, I rarely stopped and reveled in their magnificence. I was busy, I needed to be somewhere, and time was of the essence. I noticed trees, but I didn’t really see them. These days, I am mesmerized by trees. I stop, and stare, and look upon them with awe. I take pictures of trees. I look up the names of trees. I no longer worry about wasting time; I take the time. I have a friend who wrote Letter Trees, a collection of pictures depicting trees that form each letter of the alphabet. What a wonderful way to instill a love of trees in the younger generation!
I’m also finding great joy in looking at the sky. Colorado skies are something to see. I’ve learned that a bluebird sky is one that is crystal clear with not a cloud in sight; if you’ve seen one, you never forget it. And when there is a new moon, or a pink moon, or a full moon, rather than worrying about getting enough sleep, I go outside and marvel at the beauty.
Today, I spoke with a total stranger (about the beautiful tree in her yard). That’s a new development. I’m not one to strike up a conversation with people I don’t know. Heck, I don’t even like to talk to most of the people I do know! She told me about her tree, and the history of Elm trees in Colorado brought here from the 1904 World’s Fair. I shared that I grew up in St. Louis (home of the 1904 World’s Fair). Her name is Debbie and her sister’s name is Denise. Small world!
During my years working in hospice, patients often shared the same two pearls of wisdom:
1. When you care about people, tell them you love them.
2. Make the most of every day.
It’s taken me longer than I would like to admit but I’m getting better at both. Some would say, “It’s about time.”
Years ago, I attended a conference that featured Brene Brown as the keynote speaker. If you’re not familiar with Brene Brown, just Google her name. In short, she is a gifted researcher, professor, author, and all-around bada$$ Social Worker.
During Brene’s presentation, she encouraged the audience to “Choose a moment of discomfort over hours of resentment.” The premise being, our typical knee-jerk reaction to any request (PTA refreshments, fieldtrip chaperone, dunking booth volunteer, etc.) is to say Yes when we really want to say No.
Why is saying No so hard? It is, after all, a complete sentence. Acceptable options may also be, ‘Not this time, but please ask again’ or maybe, ‘I don’t have time to bake cookies, are Oreos okay?’ I don’t know if it’s guilt, a desire to please, insanity, or all of the above, but women seem to have a really hard time saying No. That nonsense needs to stop.
I’ve shared Brene’s pearls of wisdom with many women. Each time, the response is as if they just struck gold. There’s usually a little giggle followed by a mischievous grin, and a “Gosh, I would love to be able to do that.” What’s stopping you?
I’m happy to say there’s a trend I’m noticing among the young, professional women of the Gen X, Millennial, and Gen Z generations that’s encouraging. Rather than settle or struggle, many women are choosing to shift gears, enhance their careers, and prioritize what they want in life. Young women are unapologetically redefining their professional roles to fit their needs and those of their family. I recently met a 40-something businesswoman who reduced her day-to-day workload so she could serve on a Board that sets the standards for her industry. Rather than trying to juggle both positions, she wisely elected to make adjustments to her schedule for her well-being and that of her family. A friend’s 20-something daughter left her job in nursing to return to college to further her career. My nieces designed their jobs to work from home to accommodate the needs of their littles.
I am proud of these women. I’m not sure how or when they realized putting themselves first was not a luxury but a healthy way to balance life and work. Maybe they watched the older generation crash and burn and vowed to do better. Whatever motivated them, it’s a good thing to witness and admire.
And lest you think I’m tone-deaf to the insurmountable plight of many single parents who work 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet, I see you. Organizations, institutions, and the government MUST do better – a livable wage, health insurance, tuition reimbursement, childcare – all the things that contribute to someone’s success. I often encourage young people to think outside the box. Have you considered a paid apprenticeship at a trade school? The construction industry is desperate for trained professionals. Can you barter or job share? Now that higher education is readily accessible online, can you apply for Financial Aid and take 1 class a semester? The time will pass whether you are taking classes or not, but eventually, if you keep at it, you will graduate. Been there, done that (for 17 years).
Several of my friends are getting divorced. Been there, done that, twice.
My first divorce was ages ago; it was an epic battle. We made 11 Court appearances in 18 months, followed by annual Court appearances for the next 10 years. I won’t bore you with the details but suffice it to say it was a “NASTY” divorce.
Fast forward thirty years later, and I found myself in that situation again. After my first divorce, I was fond of saying, “I may end up a widow in prison, but I’m never getting another divorce.” Turns out that was an idle threat. Although I had jokingly suggested prison was preferable to divorce, there came a time when my well-being meant more than the stigma of being twice divorced. The good news is, I was older and wiser the second time around. From the very beginning, I set an intention to be kind and gracious. No matter what was said or done, I was determined to walk away with my head held high and my dignity intact. Kindness and graciousness became my mantra. I can’t say I was 100% successful but it was a far cry from my previous experience.
I don’t wish divorce on anyone. It is often a gut-wrenching experience. The children suffer, both wife and husband suffer, extended family suffers, friends suffer, and the only winners are the attorneys. I’m glad mediation is now part of the process, especially when children are involved. If there is any way to part amicably, that’s a win for everyone. When asked, and only when asked, I often suggest setting an intention, even if you must tattoo it on your hand as a reminder.
Kindness & Graciousness
I don’t have a husband, but I have a dog, and they’re kinda the same:
- My dog hogs the covers and snores.
- My dog doesn’t always respond when I call.
- My dog gives me “the look” when he wants something.
- My dog needs a lot of attention and positive reinforcement.
- My dog likes to pee outside.
- My dog is a finicky eater.
- My dog barks a lot.
- My dog is a creature of habit.
- My dog leaves his things scattered all over the house.
- My dog has smelly farts.
- My dog likes watching me clean, wash the dishes, fold the laundry, and cook.
- My dog falls asleep when I’m watching my favorite movie.
Whether you have a husband, or a dog, or both, I hope they are your best friend.
Happy Dogentine’s Day!