WORDS TO LIVE BY

I don’t like to make New Year’s resolutions. The word resolution feels too heavy and burdensome. When I searched resolution in the dictionary, I found words like determination, doggedness, to make a serious decision. And therein lies the problem. I think resolutions can be detrimental to our sense of self and success. Do we really want to start a new year doggedly determined to do or not to do something? And what happens when we fall off the wagon, eat the cookie, miss a workout? What if illness, or divorce, or unemployment gets in the way? I’d like us to be kinder to ourselves as we start another trip around the sun.

I suggest making New Year’s aspirations. When I searched the word aspiration in the dictionary, I found the synonyms hope, desire, and wishes. Those words feel so much lighter. I’d like us to aspire to meet our goals. Let’s desire to leave room for life to interfere and interrupt. We can wish to give each other encouragement. When we have a bad day, let’s dust off and aspire to begin again. Let’s plan to extend kindness, graciousness, and hope to ourselves and to each other. That feels better to me!

To what do you aspire?

Should – now there’s a word that feels like a ton of bricks just landed on your shoulders. Should, and its evil step-sisters should not and should have get my vote for elimination from Webster’s next revision. I mean, really, who needs that kind of pressure?

I once went to a patient’s home who had this reminder stenciled on all four walls in her living room:  

Today, I will not should on myself.

The should word reminds me of the other sh word. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why can’t we just want to exercise, wish to spend more time with loved ones, plan to be more productive? Why do we use the most guilt-inducing term imaginable rather than a kinder, gentler version of a wish or desire? Why do we speak so harshly to ourselves when we wouldn’t speak like that to anyone else? Trust me, there are plenty of others who will gladly remind us of our faults and failings. Make sure you aren’t jumping on the shame/blame train – the price of admission is highly inflated.

Today, try not to should on yourself.

It’s funny how one letter can make such a difference. Case in point  – hurried vs. harried. The former means to rush; the latter means to be stressed as a result of demands and obligations. Although very different in meaning, we often find ourselves experiencing both simultaneously.

I think we’ve all found ourselves in a hurry. We lead busy lives. We have partners, parents, children and jobs, book clubs, workouts, and a To Do list a mile long. Some people seem to actually thrive on being hurried. The problem occurs when we’ve allotted 3 hours for a 5 hour task. Or, when one parent is doing the job of two. How often do you find yourself saying, “I need to go; I’m in a hurry?” Or, as my friend, Helen, would say, “I’ve got to skedaddle,” a phrase I find so endearing.

Being harried is another issue altogether. Being harried is usually a result of being overbooked, overcommitted, and overrun with responsibilities. When we’ve said “yes” to too many asks. Harried often results in being frazzled, impatient, and short-tempered. Harried is not a pretty picture.

I don’t think we can avoid an occasional hurried moment. It may help to be realistic about timeframes and to set reasonable expectations. Give yourself an extra 10 minutes to breathe, take a bathroom break, and reconnoiter. If you’re feeling especially generous, give yourself 10 minutes several times a day to take a deep breath and two bathroom breaks. Such indulgence!

You may not agree, but being harried seems optional. It takes practice to get comfortable saying, “No” or “Not this time.” The prize for being the person who always says “yes” is usually unrealistic demands, extra work, and increased stress. If that’s first place, I’ll gladly finish last.

Gotta skedaddle! 

I struggle with depression. To be specific, I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, a malady that is often associated with the winter months. Ironically, and appropriately, the acronym for this disorder is SAD.

For me, the onset of SAD coincides with the end of Daylight Savings Time. It’s as if a switch gets flipped the day the clocks ‘fall back,’ and SAD descends. We lose an hour of daylight and gain an hour of sleep – the last thing a depressed person needs. I’ve tried light therapy, medication, and essential oils. I’ve summoned all the positive thoughts I can imagine, read self-help books, listened to podcasts, and even tried tanning beds. Nada.

To make matters worse, this type of depression is often misunderstood and underappreciated. SAD is not obvious like a broken appendage or stitches. Most people do not understand depression and, due to society’s unrelenting emphasis on optimism, those who suffer from SAD usually suffer in silence. Telling people with SAD to ‘cheer up and look on the bright side’ is akin to asking them to change the color of their eyes. On the rare occasion when I’ve divulged my history of depression, the response is often something like, “Really? YOU?” I’m not sure what people think SAD looks like.

I’ve found meditation, exercise, and THC to be the most effective remedies. I also have a few cherished confidants who send “How’s my friend?” texts. They do not cajole or offer advice, they understand there is no magic wand.

In March, the end of SAD season coincided with the start of Covid-19. I felt like I’d been run over by a truck…that had a trailer hooked to it! As the months have elapsed, more and more people have begun talking about the mental health effects of the pandemic. Even Michelle Obama admitted to having a “low-grade depression.” I find comfort in her disclosure. It’s not that I want others to be depressed, it’s just that depression is so isolating. I feel less alone knowing others experience similar symptoms. My hope is that as more people admit to “low-grade depression,” they will bring a greater awareness to this dis-ease.

Maybe we are all in this together after all!

Snarky is hard to define but you know it when you hear it. It’s not an outright insult, but rather a sly, elusive comment that lets you know the snarker is being less than sincere. Snarking may come in many forms: a look, a snort, a word. Snarking leaves the recipient wondering about the genuineness of the snarker, and often results in questions like, “What the hell heck did that mean?”

Some people have snarking down to an art. They casually ply an innuendo at just the right moment, often feigning innocence when questioned. Others are more intentional with their snarks, making no effort to disguise their motive. Then there’s the secret snarker who is kind of like a silent fart, you’re not sure where it came from but you definitely know it’s there.

I will confess, I can snark with the best of em’. It’s not a trait I’m proud of, or would wish upon anyone. It can be a curse for your eyes to betray you. As I child, I was often cautioned, “Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.” What the heck does that mean? (Albeit, I knew darn well what it meant.) Using the word snarky is a softening of the more accurate terms such as demeaning, unkind, disrespectful, or the “B” word.

As far as I know, there’s no cure for snarkitis. I guess the best we can hope for is self-actualization.  Again, what the hell heck does that even mean?

Full disclosure, I am a social worker. I did not major in English, nor do I remember most of what I learned back in the day (read forever ago). Although I have a pretty good command of the English language, punctuation may will be problematic. Who remembers the correct placement of commas? Where does the apostrophe belong in a word? Do I put the punctuation inside or outside of quotation marks? Did I need to add the word of to that last sentence? These are the things that keep me up at night.

If you majored in English, this blog may result in unintended side effects, please Bayer with me. I welcome your suggestions and corrections, but for the love of all things holy, DO NOT use red ink. I still have nightmares about red ink. I once received a graded paper that looked like someone severed a limb on the page. I’m hoping things will improve – no guarantees promised.

The English language can be so confusing. So can Math but I know better than to try teaching that! Whose idea was it to create words that sound exactly alike, are spelled differently, and have nothing in common? Take for instance sense, cents, and scents. Or write and right, no and know…is there no end to this madness?

Online learning has many of us attempting to teach subjects we haven’t studied for what seems like an eternity. I, for one, haven’t conjugated verbs in years. It’s been a minute since I diagramed sentences or studied history. I’ll even go so far as to admit, when watching The Crown on Netflix, wondering, “Where was I when we studied this in school?”

Recently, I was trying to explain the Greatest Common Factor. What became painfully clear was the fact that the greatest common factor was that neither the student nor the teacher knew what that meant. Don’t even get me started on Science. The last time I saw the Periodic Table was on a pair of socks I gave my grandson for Christmas; he was thrilled. When I asked said grandson where the textbook was for a subject he was studying, I received a blank stare and the reply, “What’s a textbook?” Lord, help us all.

So, if you’re wondering what my word is, here you go…bamboozled…because it means perplexed and it includes the letters b-o-o-z-e. I might just have to take up drinking to get through this.

Who’s with me? Or is it whose?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Yes, it’s football season! When there were rumors there might not be a football season this year, I threatened to renounce my citizenship and move to Canada. Although that sounds drastic, that’s how much I like football. Thankfully, it didn’t come to that.

During a regular season, I watch football every Sunday, all day long. I’ve also been known to watch college football all day on Saturday. And, thankfully, there are games on Monday and Thursday nights to tide me over until the weekend rolls around again. In the off-season, I watch reruns of games despite the fact I already know the outcome. Although football used to be considered a guy’s game, I’m proud to say women can be just as rabid when it comes to their football.

If you want to learn more about football, I recommend reading any of the gazillion books written about the gridiron. Better yet, many teams offer day-long workshops that explain the game: first downs, extra points, and the oft controversial ‘pass interference’ call, just to name a few. I encourage you to learn as much as you can about the greatest show on turf.

What I DO NOT recommend is deciding to learn about football during a Chiefs vs Broncos game when the score is 14-14 with 11 seconds left in the fourth quarter. It might be best to save those burning questions until the next commercial!

Are you ready for some football?

I am a lover of words.

I have a file stuffed full of syllables strung together to create pearls of wisdom – quotes, words, poems, and proverbs that resonate with my soul. I often retrieve the file when I’m trying to find just the right message to convey my feelings. I’ve been collecting these pearls of wisdom for years; the file represents a half-century of my appreciation for the written word.

I’ve decided to share my special words with you; I’m hoping you will do the same. Words can be beautiful, elegant, precious – the first “mama” or “dada,” “I love you” from a partner, the text late at night that reads, “I miss you.” Can you feel your heart melting?

In reality, not all words are sugar and spice. There are words that strike terror in the heart of the receiver. Many words have multiple meanings and there are words that never come close to expressing our sentiments. Sometimes there is truth to the saying, ‘There are no words.’

Some words harden hearts and leave irreparable scars. Those who’ve been bullied, berated, or betrayed know exactly what I mean. Those words are rarely forgotten and often impossible to forgive. Can you feel your heart hurting?

My hope is that this blog will give us an opportunity to share our words and give voice to the importance of those words in our lives. And so, I will start…

Kindness and graciousness are words I do my best to live by. Although, technically, two words, I consider them one in the same. In the midst of a difficult discussion or situation, those words resonate in my head and heart. Even when someone is accusing or criticizing, I try to focus on kindness and graciousness. I want to leave the discussion with my head held high, knowing I remained true to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I think plenty of curt responses, but, over a lifetime, I’ve learned to curb my sarcasm and wicked wit, albeit a work in progress for sure.

What are your words?