WORDS TO LIVE BY

I was listening to a podcast this week and heard the term precious time. The phrase was described as a kinder, gentler alternative to the words actively dying, the medical idiom used to indicate the end of life is imminent. The physician who coined the phrase would tell families, “You are in the precious time now,” as their loved one was nearing death. I love the term precious time. What a beautiful way to sojourn a loved one from this world to the next.

When I think about precious time, I see it as a lovely descriptor for all life’s phases. When a young couple discover they are pregnant, it is precious time to dream, and plan, and anxiously await the miracle of life. Time doesn’t seem to move fast enough, but it’s still precious time.

Parents of newborns may be sleep-deprived and blurry-eyed, but meeting your new son or daughter, and learning to live as a family, is precious time. In this phase of life, time may seem to stand still, and you may wonder if you will ever sleep 8 hours again, and yet, it’s still precious time.

Toddlers, tantrums, the terrible-twos, and time-outs may seem anything but precious. Life can be hard when parents are trying to manage family, home, and work. The hours may pass at a snail’s pace, but the years fly by; it’s all precious time.

Homework, soccer, football, assemblies and bleacher butts, driver’s licenses, college applications, and before you know it, they are walking across the stage in a gown and mortar board, brandishing their newfound freedom in the form of a diploma. Your precious time raising that child flashes before your eyes and you wonder, “How did we get here so quickly?” What I wouldn’t give for more precious time.

I came across this Nietzsche quote while I was reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. (If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it.)

“He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.”

Although simplistic, the thought has stuck with me. The fact I am contemplating the message on the daily is also confusing me. I know what it means, I just don’t know why it has struck such a chord.

Why can be a charged word. In Social Work class, we were encouraged to refrain from asking a client why. We were told it could sound accusatory (i.e., Why did you do that?). I understand the premise; I don’t agree with the directive. Sometimes, we need to know why to fully comprehend a person’s motive or intent. Sometimes, we need to know why to understand the whole story. Sometimes, there’s a darn good reason why someone said or did this or that. We won’t know if we don’t ask why.

I don’t think Nietzsche had that kind of why in mind. My interpretation is that we can cope, endure, or survive almost anything if we know our why. For instance, ‘I exercise so I remain healthy – that’s my why.’ ‘I’m graduating early so I can start making money – that’s my why.’ ‘I don’t drive a fancy car so we can afford a family vacation – that’s my why.’

According to Frankl, if we can find meaning and purpose in our actions, we can bear the unbearable. It seems to me, knowing our why requires introspection and insight. Knowing our why may also require an awareness and trust in our values and beliefs. In other words, sometimes we have to dig deep to know our why.

Then again, sometimes it may be as simple as ‘Hold My Beer.’

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So, now that you’re hooked on the Ted Lasso series, here’s my take on a few of the characters:

              Just once, I wanna be Roy Kent for 24 hours.

              Dani Rojas is my spirit animal.

              Who hasn’t had the displeasure of knowing a Rupert Mannion?

              Coach Beard shares my love of reading and all things inane.

              Oklahoma (or Omaha).

              Dr. Sharon seems like the obvious choice, but I would love to be Rebecca, sans heels.

              Wonderkid or Wunderkind – Tomoto/Tomato.

              Flo Collins is my alter ego.

              Diamond Dogs for President!

Oi

I’m about to enter the deep, dark days of winter, AKA no more football. It’s bad. For the next few months, I will eek out an existence in a world of freezing temps and Ted Lasso reruns.

In 2020 (You remember 2020!), I lived on home confinement and Schitt’s Creek. I would be embarrassed to admit how many times I watched the entire Schitt’s Creek series on repeat. But that’s just it, I never got tired of the show, and I almost always heard something I’d missed the other 200 times I’d watched it. I feel the same about football and Ted Lasso.

I canceled cable a few months ago without realizing I would no longer have the ability to record football games, rewind outstanding catches, or replay Chiefs games when there was nothing interesting on TV. I definitely did not think that one through. My saving grace is Ted Lasso.

If you haven’t discovered Ted Lasso, do yourself a favor, stop reading this blog, and go watch the pilot. You will be hooked before you know it. Ted is a charming, winsome character who imparts pearls of wisdom when you least expect them. Here are a few of my faves:

                                         Don’t let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.
                                         Football is life.
                                         Don’t you dare settle for “fine.”
                                         Your body is like day-old rice. If it ain’t warmed up properly, something real bad                                          could happen.
                                         I do love a locker room; it smells like potential.
                                         Let yourself enjoy that biscuit.
                                         Believe.

What’s your favorite Ted Lasso-ism?

PSA: Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. You have 5 more days to decide how you want to celebrate. Valentine’s Day also falls on the first day of Lent this year, so maybe nix a heart-shaped box of candy as a token of your love and affection since giving up sweets is a popular Lenten sacrifice for those who honor those traditions. I plan to give up Diet Pepsi and endure the skull crushing headache for the first 5 days.

If you don’t have a Valentine, or even if you do, loving yourself may be the best gift. The podcast I co-host, The Problem with Perfect, https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-problem-with-perfect/id1482443584, is featuring a series on self-love this month and it has been a valuable reminder of two things:

1. All I have to be grateful for and don’t always appreciate,
2. How comparison is the thief of joy.

Bonnie Raitt has a line in her song, Nick of Time, “Those lines are pretty hard to take when they’re staring back at you.” It’s so easy to focus on the wrinkles without acknowledging how blessed I am to have lived long enough to have them.

I could, not should (no shoulding on yourself), lose a few pounds but rather than concentrating on what isn’t, I’m grateful for what is. I don’t have washboard abs but I do have 2 beautiful children who were born via C-section. No toned tummy will ever compare to the joy they bring to my life.

There are days I’m up at 6AM to run, and days I’m still in my jammies at 4PM – it’s called balance. The fact that I have the freedom to choose is not taken for granted. I started working before I graduated from high school, and I worked for the next 55 years. In fact, I’m still working but on my schedule in between days reserved for family, friends, and fun. I didn’t always have that kind of flexibility as a single mom, part-time student, and full-time employee. If you’re in the throes of raising kids, working 8-5, maintaining a household, and coaching the soccer team, just know it may feel like forever, but it’s over in the blink of an eye. In the meantime, ask for help and please take a break every once in a while – it’s not selfish, it’s self-love.

And speaking of running, I’m still at it 31 years later. Not as fast or as far, but I am blessed with a body that loves exercise. I haven’t run a competitive race in a few years but being in the “F70 and over” category almost always guarantees a spot on the podium. A medal for being old and slow. How cool is that?!

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I am a determined woman. Some might say ‘stubborn,’ but I prefer words like purposeful, tenacious, resolute. Anyone who spends 23 years in college has to be committed, and yes, I’m aware there are 2 definitions for the word committed, and both apply. Other than college Algebra, which I failed 4 times, my sheer determination has served me well over the years.

Although my tenacity has been steadfast, I’ve come to realize sometimes the wisest thing to do is let it be. Things work out, one way or the other, and my ability to influence a particular outcome is minimal, at best. Recently, life has given me several opportunities to let it be, all of which I resisted mightily.

I get medication from an online pharmacy because it’s less expensive. On Tuesday, I received a text letting me know the meds had been “delivered in or around my mailbox.” Seems vague, but oh well. However, no meds were found “in or around” my locked mailbox. I had a tracking number that I traced. The tracking info confirmed the meds had been “delivered in or around my mailbox.” Still no meds. I spoke with my mailperson who directed me to the post office where I waited…and waited…only to learn the tracking number shows the meds were…you guessed it. Finally, I called the online pharmacy to explain the problem. A lovely woman who answered the call encouraged me to, “Wait a bit; they almost always show up.” Mind you, this is heart medication I take on the daily, but nonetheless, I let it be. The meds arrived Saturday.

A few months ago, I bought a new sewing machine. The purchase was precipitated by a request from my gbabe to help him make a pair of pants. He had watched a YouTube video “and it looks really simple.” Out of the mouths of gbabes! The process wasn’t quite as simple as it looked (Is it ever?), but we were successful in making not 1 but 4 pairs of pants. He is now taking orders from friends.

Yesterday, I noticed the stitching on the sewing machine needed adjusting. I’m a pretty good seamstress and I know my way around a sewing machine. However, since this is a new, computerized machine, I read the manual from cover to cover, no help. I scanned the QR code and looked at the online tutorials, no help. I watched numerous YouTube videos. I took my sewing project, the manual, and my patience to the sewing store to ask for assistance, no help. Finally, I reluctantly decided to give it a rest and to let it be. This morning, I sat down in front of the machine to further contemplate the conundrum. And there it was, 12” directly in front of me, the dial that turns and adjusts the stitching. How is it none of those resources mentioned the dial? They must have thought it was too obvious to miss. Ha…fooled them!

What a year this week has been. The cold weather has been record-setting. I am not a fan of -12 with a wind chill factor of -30. That kind of weather requires coats, and I don’t like to wear coats. That kind of weather makes running outside death defying; black ice is not a runner’s friend. That kind of weather makes me question my life choices. Why do I live in Colorado instead of somewhere by a beach? I could rage on but what’s the point?

If you couldn’t tell, this is my least favorite time of year. Football is almost over, and I struggle with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) in the winter. My positivity, motivation, and desire to socialize go missing and don’t return until April, sometimes May (June if we get snow in May).

This is the time of year when silence is golden. I’ve learned I’m more comfortable being silent than having to explain my negativity and less-than-sunny disposition. To be honest, being silent feels nurturing. I read, take walks in nature, listen to classical music, and breathe deeply. Soup helps, too.

I’ve been at this long enough to know this too shall pass. In the meantime, it’s me, not you. Hurry Spring!

Recently, I read something that has stayed with me for weeks. An author explained that ‘mercy is when you don’t get what you deserve; grace is when you get what you don’t deserve.’ Mind blown.

I’m not sure why the sentence had such a profound impact on me. I’ve never contemplated the definition of either of those words. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever even noticed them. Yet, as is so often the case, the words mercy and grace have appeared repeatedly in articles and books I’ve been reading lately.

There is an Everything Happens podcast I’ve listened to on repeat for the past year. Bryan Stephenson was the guest, and he shared his experience as a lawyer dedicated to restoring justice and redemption to people (usually poor, Black individuals) who have been unjustly imprisoned for crimes they did not commit. Way back in 2019, I watched Just Mercy, a movie about Bryan and his Equal Justice Initiative. A few weeks ago, I found his book, Just Mercy, at Goodwill. Whenever I get nudges from 3 different sources, I take it as a sign to pay attention.

I associate the word grace with prayers before meals, and my great-niece. I’ve also heard people say things like, “EGR” aka Extra Grace Required, when referring to someone who is difficult or demanding. Again, not a word I’ve ever spent time contemplating.

What struck me about the sentence, and has stayed with me for weeks, is the word deserve. That word feels like a loaded gun. The Oxford dictionary defines deserve as, “To do something or have or show qualities worthy of reward or punishment.” What the definition doesn’t explain is who gets to decide who or what deserves mercy and grace? The things that make you go, “Hmmmm.”

I started 2024 doing hard things. They may not seem difficult to others, but for me, they brought a sense of satisfaction and pride. I like starting the new year with success.

I am not tech savvy. In fact, I will procrastinate and vacillate ad nauseam rather than tackle any project that involves technology. Despite the assurance from others that, “It’s no big deal,” I will avoid making technological changes until I am practically forced to do so, until last week.

I decided to cancel cable television and use an antenna to watch TV programs. Truth be told, other than CBS Sunday Morning and football, I rarely watch TV. The enjoyment of cable did not justify the monthly expense, so I decided to make a change.

The first thing I did was cancel cable. That, alone, was an accomplishment. Those people that work for cable companies are relentless. They offered reduced rates, more channels, and a partridge in a pear tree if I would continue my subscription. I am proud of myself for not succumbing to their enticements. I even disconnected all the cable apparatus and returned it that same day so I would not be tempted to accept their generous “one-time” offers.

Next, I installed (actually plugged in) the external antenna. As was predicted, it was ridiculously simple. I even programmed the channels correctly. The only problem that remains is the fact my PBS channel is in Spanish!

My final quest was to install Apple TV. What a nightmare. The equipment sent from Amazon was used. Unfortunately, the prior owner failed to erase ALL of his personal information including email, friend’s emails, login, and Internet password. If you know Fazel Aziz, you might want to let him know. Thus, I could not enter my personal information. To make matters worse, the Apple TV was a gift, and arrived without an order number. I spent hours (truly, hours) on the phone with Amazon trying to return the item. The fact that I remained patient and composed with the Amazon customer dis-service people deserves an award. There’s something about appearing in a TikTok video as an enraged maniac that discouraged me from expressing my true feelings. Thank you social media.

Once the new equipment arrived, it was a simple set-up, especially since I’d already practiced it a gazillion times trying to get the first Apple TV to work. All of that to watch The Morning Show and Ted Lasso. I kind of miss the replay and recording options available on cable, but not enough to revisit the wacky world of Direct TV. Saving money and being fiscally responsible is hard.

As many of you know, each year I choose a word to be my touchstone for the next 365 days. Over the years I’ve chosen: Patience, Curious, Faith, Serenity, and Embrace, just to name a few. Last year, I was really ambitious and chose 3 words: Acceptance Without Judgment. I don’t know what I was thinking. Although I failed more often than I care to admit, I did at least recognize my shortcomings sooner, and I was able to stop myself before I plunged headfirst into the deep end. To say the least, this will continue to be a work in progress.

My word for 2024 is presence. I want to be present in my relationships with others. I want to minimize multitasking and focus on the moment. I don’t want to miss the present because I’m agonizing over the past or worrying about the future. I want to slow down and savor life.

I’ll check back in a few months to let you know how it’s going.

What’s your word?